Funny Stories

Posted on 19 January 2020

We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Insurance Claim form quotes

1. "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

2. "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

3. "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

4. "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

5. "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention"

6. "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

7. "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

8. "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

9. "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

10. "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

11. "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

12. "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

13. "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

14. "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

15. "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

-- Story submitted by edd   [Funny Stories]






Working in a hospital is tough. Surrounded by sick people who needs constant care and attention and having to work shifts that screw up your body clock. It is no surprise that these are some actual recordings found on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient?s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

-- Story submitted by Kurtis Beleno   [Funny Stories]






At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when a student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, Sir?'"

-- Story submitted by Lorraine   [Funny Stories]






One cold night my furnace died, so I went to my parents' house. In the morning, a neighbor called to tell me that my water pipes had burst and flooded my townhouse and hers.

I raced home, and on the way got a speeding ticket.

Then the furnace repairman arrived and told me he didn't think he had the proper fuse but would check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut holes in my bathroom wall to locate the leak.

When the furnace repairman returned, he held aloft a fuse. "I had the right one," he said triumphantly. "This must be your lucky day."

-- Story submitted by Gerry   [Funny Stories]






When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.

Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.

Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.

-- Story submitted by Jodi   [Funny Stories]