Funny Stories

Posted on 10 September 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.

Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.

When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up.

"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"

-- Story submitted by makhno   [Funny Stories]



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My brother was home on leave from his post in Hawaii. He announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings, especially those of the Navy, asked him to explain what the promotion meant.

After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, but now I'm Frank Burns."

Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.

-- Story submitted by Doug Patton   [Funny Stories]



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My future father-in-law asked the usual question. They've always gotta ask it. It's part of the ritual. "Will you support my daughter in the manner to which she's accustomed?"

"Sure," I replied. "We're moving in with you."

-- Story submitted by Barry   [Funny Stories]



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Bumper Stickers

1. Honk If you want to see my finger.

2. People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do.

3. Don't believe everything you think.

4. I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.

5. Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!

6. Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

7. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

8. That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.

9. So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

10. My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

11. An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

12. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

13. Double your drive space. Delete Windows.

14. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

15. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

16. People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

17. The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

18. Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.

19. Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

20. Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

21. I plan to live forever. So far, so good!

22. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

-- Story submitted by opten   [Funny Stories]



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James T. Hilton, who police said had just carjacked a van in Bloomfield, N.J., was chased by police in West Orange into the neighborhood of Our Lady of the Valley Roman Catholic Church.

Hilton slowed down and was captured after accidentally banging into two unmarked police cars driving slowly down the street and leading a 5,000-officer funeral procession for state trooper Scott M. Gonzalez.

-- Story submitted by ghost   [Funny Stories]



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