Funny Stories

Posted on 24 June 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week, by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

-- Story submitted by green been   [Funny Stories]



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My sister Alicia works as a delivery-room nurse at our local hospital. Occasionally, a mother arrives and there’s no time to get a doctor.

Alicia told her six-year-old son about one such incident, saying that she had delivered a baby all by herself the previous night while he was at home sleeping.

His eyes grew big. "Where to, Mom?"

-- Story submitted by Hilda Dixon   [Funny Stories]



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Of all jinxed objects, few can have bestowed more misery than a motorcar owned by the Hapsburg dynasty of imperial Austria.

The open topped limousine was given to the Archduke Franz Ferdinand, heir to the troubled throne. He rode it in July 1914 on a state visit to Sarajevo, in Bosnia-Herzegovina, at that time a part of the Austro-Hungarian empire. In the car with the archduke on this ill-fated day were his wife, General Potiorek of the Austrian army, three other dignitaries and a driver.

A fervent young nationalist called Gavrilo Princip stepped in front of the vehicle on it's official tour of the city and shot the archduke and his wife, Archduchess Sophie. The event was to trigger the First World War.

General Potiorek became the car's next owner. Several weeks into the war, his armies suffered a rout at the hands of the ill-organised soldiers of Serbia, and the general was summoned back to Vienna by the Emperor Franz Joseph I. There in the capital, his reputation ruined, his sanity destroyed, he died.

A captain on Potiorek's staff took charge of the jinxed vehicle. Nine days later, in a terrible accident, he killed two peasants on the road before swerving into a tree and killing himself.

After the war, the governor of the newly independent Yugoslavia took charge of the car and endured a succession of terrible accidents, one of which cost him his left arm. The car was then sold to a doctor, who was crushed to death when he overturned it into a ditch. The next owner was Simon Manthrides, a diamond dealer. He fell to his death from a precipice.

The car passed into the hands of a Swiss racing driver who killed himself in an accident while driving it. The next owner - and victim - was a rich Serbian farmer.

He paid an unknown but reputedly fabulous sum for the vehicle, which had by now acquired great historical value. One morning, the engine would not turn over, so he ordered one of his farm hands to tow him with a horse and cart. Unfortunately, the owner forgot to turn off the ignition and the engine started suddenly. The car lurched forward into the cart, overturning it and killing the farmer.

Finally, a garage owner lost his life in the car while returning from a wedding. He had tried to overtake a long line of vehicles but was killed as the car spun out of control.

The car now rests harmlessly in a Viennese museum. It is never taken out on the road.

-- Story submitted by Rob Mara   [Funny Stories]



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For our 20-year-old daughter's birthday, my wife gave her a laptop computer. When Lorena opened her gift and saw what it was, she reached for a tissue, saying, "Wait I have something in my eye."

We all burst out laughing when her ten-year-old sister said, "It's called a tear."

-- Story submitted by Vicky   [Funny Stories]



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Searching in my library for two books by communications expert Deborah Tannen turned into an Abbott and Costello routine. "What's the first book?" the librarian asked.

"That's Not What I Meant," I said.

"Well, what did you mean?"

"That's the title of the book," I explained.

"Okay." She looked at me a little skeptically. "And the other book."

"You Just Don't Understand."

"Excuse me?"

I got both books. Eventually.

-- Story submitted by Nancy   [Funny Stories]



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