Funny Stories

Posted on 11 June 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.

"You call that a made bed?" I asked.

"No, Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."

-- Story submitted by anonymous   [Funny Stories]



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It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

-- Story submitted by Sam Gordon   [Funny Stories]



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We do a lot of business in Central and South America, which generally requires that we have a translator on the phone. Usually, it's our sales rep, who should know better, but that's beside the point.

One particular day I was at my wit's end. The simple function of creating a user account for these people had already taken an hour and a half, and they just weren't getting it. They'd speak in rapid-fire Spanish for a while, the sales rep would translate for me, I'd make a response, and it would begin all over again. Occasionally, I'd hear the client make comments in English, so I know he could at least halfway understand me. I'd also explained time and again that this was explained in the manuals, which an outside company had translated into Spanish specifically for this client. I was told that they'd much rather be on the phone with us while they tried this.

Finally, it got to the point where even the non-technical sales rep was tearing out her hair. I was just about to go get my manager, seeing as how I'd now been on the phone for nearly an hour and a half, when the customer suddenly piped up, in English, "Huh, you know -- I think that we will try reading the manuals, and then call you back if we have any problems!"

Thank goodness for the mute button on the phone.

-- Story submitted by ghost   [Funny Stories]



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Running for re-election to the Senate, John McClellan of Arkansas showed up at a county fair to debate his opponent. As the challenger began his speech, he paused to pour himself a glass of water from a pitcher.

But when a newspaper photographer snapped his picture, the candidate missed the glass and poured the water over the heads of people standing in front of the stage. When McClellan took the microphone, he asked the crowd a simple question: "Do you want a senator who's too dumb to pour water into a glass?"

He was re-elected.

-- Story submitted by Andrew   [Funny Stories]



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I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day when a reminder to a client's tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction was transcribed as follows:

"You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings."

-- Story submitted by Danny   [Funny Stories]



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