Funny Stories

Posted on 16 May 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Unique Flight Announcement

Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement)from their Flight Attendants. In his own words....
"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?' Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment. So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before Takeoff:

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ...... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.

Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO.

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After Landing:

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

-- Story submitted by Charles Hicks   [Funny Stories]



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As a school bus driver one Saturday morning I was driving a high school choir to a concert. I parked the bus at the school and soon students started boarding. Nobody said hello or asked if it was the charter bus or anything.

The choir director boarded, counted the students, and said it was OK to leave, also not asking if it was the correct bus.

About two miles down the road I spoke up in a loud voice saying, "When we get to the work site the deputies will issue each of you an orange vest, gloves, and two plastic trash bags. When you fill a bag leave it beside the road. When you need more bags raise your hand and the deputies will give you more."

I then looked in the mirror to see the most shocked kids I've ever seen. I explained what happened to the director; and we both, or perhaps I should say all, had a good laugh.

Bet those kids never assumed they where on the correct bus again.

-- Story submitted by Hammerbold   [Funny Stories]



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One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she had left her purse in a corner next to the dining-room hutch. I was about to call her house, intending to leave a message on the answering machine, when my son reminded me that they had a cellphone.

As I dialed the number, I marveled at the technology that would alert them before they had driven all the way home. A few seconds later the purse began to ring.

-- Story submitted by Danny   [Funny Stories]



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This technician supports a group of grocery stores, and they're in the process of being renovated. His job: shift the equipment in the customer service booth, and do it with a minimum of downtime.

But the renovation plans don't make that easy. "Moving the equipment -- cash registers, PCs, Western Union and lottery machines -- normally only takes about an hour," he says. "But the old customer service area and the new one overlapped."

"This required closing customer service for several hours while the new counters were installed and power and data cables were pulled."

He has already been through this process at another store. That time, it ultimately took 20 hours of work on-site, with an overnight break, to get it all moved.

So he's skeptical when he's told everything will be ready for him when he arrives. But the project supervisor swears that the engineers have confirmed that all the construction will be completed by noon.

"When I arrived at the store at 11:30, I found the new customer service counters still outside and work not yet started," he sighed. "I started chatting with the construction lead and quickly found out why."

"The engineers had told them work could START at noon."

-- Story submitted by Derek Harrison   [Funny Stories]



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