Funny Stories

Posted on 11 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The following is a humorous story reported in the Manchester Guardian some time in the late 1970's.

Ben McTaggart, a farmer in the Scottish Highlands, was apprehended by the local constabulary after a routine inspection of his croft revealed an illicit whisky still.

McTaggart appeared in court next day to face charges of evading payment of excise duties and the illegal manufacture of alcoholic spirits. Reviewing the facts of the case before pronouncing verdict, the magistrate declared:

"Mr McTaggart, you have been found in possession of apparatus commonly used in the distillation of alcoholic liquors. Although this equipment was unused, and no trace of spirits could be found on your premises, the intent of the apparatus should be clear to all, and I am obliged to find you guilty of all charges brought against you in this court. Before I pronounce sentence, do you have anything to say in mitigation of your offence?"

McTaggart glowered at the magistrate and replied:

"Your Honour, you can convict me of moonshining just because I have the equipment, but you'd better convict me of rape as well, because I have the equipment for that too!"

-- Story submitted by Mark Curtis   [Funny Stories]



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Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn't had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help.

He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied, "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural feel."

I said, "Not to us city boys."

-- Story submitted by DC   [Funny Stories]



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Five-year-old Gracie was getting excited about having a new sibling. Sitting with her very pregnant mother Mary, Gracie asked, "Where's the baby going to come out, Mommy?"

Mary lifted her blouse, pointed to her old Cesarean scar and said, "Your new baby brother is going to come out here."

Looking at the scar and her mother's big belly, Gracie laughed and said, "You look like a piggy bank."

-- Story submitted by Elaine   [Funny Stories]



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"Psychics" are big on Queensland's Sunshine Coast, just north of the state capital, Brisbane. Other Australians regard the area as the Deep North, the antipodean equivalent of the USAs Deep South.

A local radio station carried an evening program in which a "psychic" appeared regularly. The usual flummery calls from listeners (usually younger women) wanting forecasts of their love-lives, jobs, happiness etc., followed by confident replies from the "psychic" together with supportive clucking noises from the credulous anchor entity. Then the "psychic" made a classic blooper:

Caller: "Will I meet someone?"

Psychic: "Yes of course you will, darling. I see you dancing you dance so well! and meeting that man and dancing through life together, you know what I mean?"

Caller: "But I'm confined to a wheelchair..."

-- Story submitted by EasterLand   [Funny Stories]



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My techie husband and I were walking in the high desert when he stopped to photograph one stunning vista after another.

Overcome by the sheer beauty, he paid it his ultimate compliment: "Everywhere I look is a screen saver!"

-- Story submitted by Vena   [Funny Stories]



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