Funny Stories

Posted on 22 June 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? Here are some police quotes:

1. "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

2. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

3. "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

4. "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

5. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

6. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

7. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

8. "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

9. "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

10. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

11. "Just how big were those two beers?"

-- Story submitted by John Harris   [Funny Stories]



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In lectures on human genetics, I explained to my college students that males determine the sex of the offspring by contributing either an X or a Y chromosome.

So at the end of the year, I put it on the final exam: "How is the sex of the child determined?"

One student wrote, "By examining it at birth."

-- Story submitted by Elaine   [Funny Stories]



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Bonny a colleague of mine, told me about her weekend spent babysitting her grandkids. Her grandson Logan wanted desperately to show her how well he dived off the "big" diving board at the pool. So she watched as he courageously climbed up the ladder, got into position and jumped off, only to do a lopsided bellyflop. She cringed and went to console him.

"That sure looked like it hurt!" she told him. "Are you okay?"

"Grandma," he replied, "it hurt so bad that I think it broke a bone in my heart!"

-- Story submitted by Maggie   [Funny Stories]



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One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"

"You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in.

"That's okay." Harriett said smiling. "I'm fifty."

"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do."

-- Story submitted by Elaine   [Funny Stories]



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