Funny Stories

Posted on 20 September 2021

We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Excerpts of letters received by landlords...

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

-- Story submitted by Jenny Porter   [Funny Stories]






A postage staff received a letter attention to God one day while sorting mail. When they opened it this is what it read:

Dear God,
I am a 95 year old woman and my $100 pension money was stolen.I have invited three of my friends for Christmas Dinner but don't know how i will be able to prepare a great one with no money. Please help me.

The post staff were so touched by the letter that they sent it around the mail room collecting whatever money the workers could give. They managed to collect $97, and the post master sent it back to the old lady.

Two weeks later they received another letter attention to God. The post staff gathered around all eager to know how they helped make her Christmas better. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am so grateful for money you send.
I was able to prepare such a lovely dinner and also buy presents.
But there was three dollars short. I reckon those bastards at the post office snatched it.

-- Story submitted by Bella Larkin   [Funny Stories]






My son, Scott, an insurance broker, loves ocean fishing and takes his cellphone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting several kilometers offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

-- Story submitted by Marty   [Funny Stories]






At the Deli Counter

Recently I had the following encounter in the deli section of a large grocery store:

Me: I'd like a pint of the jello salad, please.

(The kid behind the counter reaches for the cup-sized container.)

Me: Sorry -- pint, not cup.

Kid: Huh?

Me: (pointing) This size.

Kid: Oh. That's a pound.

Me: That depends on what you put in it.

Kid: Huh?

Me: "Pint" is volume, not weight. What that amount weighs depends on what you put in it.

Kid: This is a pound, not a pint.

Me: If you fill it with potato salad it's probably more than a pound; if you fill it with that marshmallow fluff it's a lot less.

Kid: Huh?

Me: Never mind, just give me a pound of jello.

In case you're wondering, my pound of jello weighed about 12 ounces.

-- Story submitted by Nata   [Funny Stories]






Professor Quotes

Here are actual things that professors said in the four classes I attended this semester:

1. It's a simple problem. Simple enough to be on a test.

2. Now this norm has nothing to do with the character on Cheers. It's a mathematical property.

3. No prizes for guessing where Taylor's Theorem got its name. It was named after a guy named Theorem.

4. I've got this joke I've just got to tell you.

5. Never believe anything until you've proven it.

6. I've got to bring in a little philosophy, since I have a doctor of philosophy.

7. We could not deduce that just now, but we can now.

8. At Princeton our diplomas are written in Latin so nobody knows what they say.

9. There is something special about this number. The Greeks discovered these.

10. I've described what I just said.

11. When I say Greeks I don't mean the guys from the fraternities. I mean the guys from Greece.

12. I'm sure all of you have a life and don't want to hear about this, but I didn't have a life in grad school...

13. As engineers, we like to see 4 or 5 significant figures... Ooo ... Wow!

14. Remember back from kindergarten calculus...

15. Wow this is even more cool isn't it... or is it cooler?

16. This is so good it's bad good.

17. This function is so nasty that it even looks like a stingray.

18. Doing a good proof is like reading _The_Firm_ and enjoying the unexpected twist at the end.

19. You can multiply it all out, or if you are really smart, like me, you can just look in the book.

20. Wow, would you look at that! How do you like that?

21. Some people are just walking CRC handbooks.

22. Did I just sound like Bush there? "Long--bad, round--good."

23. This theorem is more general than in your book. That's your reward for coming to class.

24. You can iterate until the cows come home and it's still invertible.

25. You don't get that? Come see me and we'll talk about you transferring.

26. Is this perfectly clear to anyone? Please put up your hand.

-- Story submitted by quietsleeper   [Funny Stories]