Jokes

Posted on 13 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

-- Joke submitted by Gonsa   [Jokes]



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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

-- Joke submitted by Hugh   [Jokes]



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Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies)

"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

-- Joke submitted by Kevin Morek   [Jokes]



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Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

"'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud.

"Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"

-- Joke submitted by gedemint   [Jokes]



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Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one youngster to the other, "don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time Mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

-- Joke submitted by Lisma   [Jokes]



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You know you're in the Desert if...

1. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
2. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
3. You can make instant sun tea.
4. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
5. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
6. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
7. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
8. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
9. It's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
10. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
11. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
12. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
13. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
14. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

-- Joke submitted by Fantas   [Jokes]



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"Whom would you like to invite for your upcoming wedding ceremony?" Father asked his son.

"All except you and mom," the son replied.

"But why?" Father angrily shouted.

"Had you bothered to invite me for your ceremony?!" the son pleaded.

-- Joke submitted by k_grek   [Jokes]



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Double Meanings Of Words

1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
3. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
6. The batteries were given out free of charge.
7. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
8. A will is a dead giveaway.
9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
10. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
11. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
14. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
15. When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
16. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
17. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
18. If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
19. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
20. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
22. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
23. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
24. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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