Jokes

Posted on 8 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.

"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".

"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

-- Joke submitted by Vevol223   [Jokes]



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Little Johnny got kicked out of school today.

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you twenty dollars. And you paid five dollars to Kate, five dollars to Sally and five dollars to Linda. What would you have?"

Apparently 'Three blowjobs and enough left over for a Kebab' was the wrong answer.

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A young man in the military was stationed in Germany. One day, on a weekend pass he went to a bazaar and found an old woman selling quilts.

The young man approached her booth and picked up a quilt. He then turned to the woman and asked "How much?"

The woman replied, "$25 dollars American, but I must warn you, the quilt was made by a gypsy and has magic woven into it."

Paying the woman no mind, he paid for the quilt, and returned to base.

That night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he was extremely wealthy. The next morning mail call had a surprise letter for him. His wife had played the lottery and won $65 million dollars.

The next night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he had sex with a beautiful woman that he had seen on the base. The next day, the base doctor (the woman in question) Brings him to her office and has sex with him on the exam table.

Excitedly, the next night, the man hurried to bed and dreamt that his penis reached his ankles. To his horror, he awoke to find his legs had shrunk to four inches long.

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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Q: How can daughter in law save her mother-in-law from choking?

A: She will pull out her foot from her mother-in-law's mouth.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him:

"Jacob, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics, an' to church an' the movies', an' nothin's come of it. So, now, Jacob, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"

And Jacob responded unabashed:

"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions are honorable-- but remote."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Medical terminology for blondes

Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphram - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-jewish origins
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you're out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden

-- Joke submitted by Rob Cooney   [Jokes]



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