Jokes

Posted on 5 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

While working as an agricultural inspector at a border crossing, Joe found that addressing people in an informal manner relieved their nervousness and minimized problems. One day when a car with the vanity license plate "TZVECL" stopped for inspection, Joe approached the driver and said, "How are you, Mr. Tzvecl?"

"Your pronunciation is fine," the driver replied, "but that's not my name. I'm an optometrist, and those are the letters on the bottom line of my eye chart."

-- Joke submitted by BEE   [Jokes]



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Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence.

Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya?

Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence.

Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.

-- Joke submitted by Hilda McVicar   [Jokes]



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A blonde was eating her dinner when there was a ring at her phone. She answered it to find a telemarketer on the line. She told him politely that she didn't want it and hung up.

She went back to dinner, and not long after, the telemarketer called again. "Take me off your list and have a nice day," she told him.

Ten minutes later, the same telemarketer called back. "Listen, stop calling me and take me off your list!" she screamed into the phone.

She returned to the phone a moment later with a note that she stuck to the phone. It read, "NO SOLICITING."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."

-- Joke submitted by Lucy Povey   [Jokes]



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Parental Observations

1. A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

2. A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

3. A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

4. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

5. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

6. Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

7. Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

8. Celibacy is not hereditary.

9. Familiarity breeds children.

10. For adult education, nothing beats children.

11. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

12. Having children will turn you into your parents.

13. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

14. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

15. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

16. Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

17. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

18. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

19. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

20. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

21. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

22. You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

23. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

24. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

25. There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

26. Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

27. The best thing to spend on your children is time.

-- Joke submitted by Monica Napier   [Jokes]



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Insignificant thoughts

1. Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

2. I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

3. To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

4. Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

5. My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

6. You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

7. If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

8. The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.

9. There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

10. One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

11. I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

12. Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

13. Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

14. Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

15. I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

-- Joke submitted by parshant   [Jokes]



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Why it's better to be a guy

1. Your haircut could stay in style for years.

2. Thoughtfulness is long lasting.

3. Six packs are cheaper than depression medication and 4 visits to a doctor.

4. Oil changes don't cost 150 dollars.

5. Adjustments of your package is not confined to the rest room.

6. Your not expected to shave below your neck.

7. You don't have to search for people to accompany you to the bathroom.

8. Rest stops on road trips only occur once every 500 miles or more.

9. No one talks to your chest.

10. You don't have to clean your house before the appliance repairman shows up.

11. Scars can still be cool.

12. You can get the car started while your friend uses the bathroom and still have enough fuel to go somewhere.

13. A 5 day vacation involves 1 suitcase.

14. No thought resources are lost in belt or shoe selection.

15. The size and shape of your a** plays no role in whether or not you got the job.

16. Underwear cost 10 bucks for a three pack.

17. Selecting attire doesn't have to involve opening drawers.

18. The change jar has change in it.

19. Hanging pictures doesn't include sheet rock repair.

20. Wedding dress 1500 dollars, Tux rental 100 bucks.

21. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

22. Waxing doesn't involve your genitalia.

23. Your friends bait their own hooks.

24. You friends will dismiss your mismatch furniture and end tables as long as your TV is as wide as they are tall.

25. Calling your friends disgusting names is a prerequisite for a bonded relationship.

26. You can store more stuff beside your 3 pairs of shoes on the closet floor.

27. The world is your urinal.

28. You never b**** about someone wearing the same shirt to a party.

29. You can live more than 15 minutes away from your mother and still feel secure.

30. Christmas shopping only takes 25 minutes out of your year and can be done on the 23 or the 24th. Your choice.

31. You can quietly enjoy ridding in the passenger seat.

32. Your oblivious to wrinkled clothes

33. You can watch a game with a friend without saying anything meaningful and he never has to wonder if your mad at him or block your view of the game by sitting on your lap.

34. Meal choices are expanded to include single menu items like "a box of Rice-a-roni" and "plain spaghetti with butter".

35. Your friends never stand in front of the refrigerator with the door open and ask; "You didn't pick up any milk?"

36. Phone calls can be accomplished in 5 minutes or less.

37. A 24 pack of toilet paper, 6 bars of soap and 4 bottles of shampoo has solved your toiletries problems for the year.

38. You can be ignorant of the word "carbohydrate".

39. Your friends never ask what your wearing to the office tomorrow.

40. Walks in the Mall don't involve a lot of back tracking.

41. Doing dishes is a once a week activity.

42. A lack of forks in the silverware drawer can be overcome with a knife.

43. There is no such thing as a def-con 1 event to kill a bug that won't probably be there during the next commercial.

44. It's faster to find "Fight Club" without Sandra Bullock and Farrah Fawcett DVD's falling off the shelf.

45. Your friends never ask what your sandwich tastes like while picking it up and taking a bite out of it.

46. Laundry can be done in a single load.

47. You don't feel guilty about leaving the bed at the hotel unmade.

48. Your friends don't fully expect for you to know what the word "thingy" means.

49. There's nothing wrong with eating in front of the TV.

50. No need to spend all kinds of money on furniture storing your clothes when you have a dryer.

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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Did you ever wonder?

1. Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?

2. Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?

3. Is it possible to be allergic to water?

4. Considering that warm air rises, if a man builds up gas and the ambient temperature is less than his body temperature, does he weigh less than when he does not have gas? If he ate a pound of beans, would he weigh more or less? Going further, if one ate enough gaseous food, would they ultimately float off into space?

5. Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?

6. How come only your fingers and toes get prune in the shower and nothing else does?

7. In the song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," which is yellow-the bikini or the polka dots?

8. Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?

9. Whats a question with no answer called?

10. When the stock market closes at the end of the day, why does everyone stand around smiling and clapping regardless of whether the stocks are up or down?

11. When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?

12. If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?

13. Why doesn't baking soda freeze?

14. Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine" on a nude beach?

15. Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?

16. I read about an actuary who calculated that the odds of a man's trousers falling down if he was wearing both a belt and suspenders was about 35,000 to one. What would be the odds of a man's trousers falling down while wearing only a belt? What about only suspenders?

17. Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

18. Why is a square meal served on round plates?

19. What benefit is there to toasting bread instead of just eating it untoasted? If there is no benefit, how much electric energy is wasted on toasting do you think?

20. If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

21. Why is it that humans can move their eyes in opposite directions toward the nose, but not away from the nose?

22. Say I freeze meat in January. The package has an expiration date of February. When I thaw it in June, why doesn't it remember immediately that it should have gone bad four months ago?

23. When you're asleep and dreaming about performing calorie-burning activities such as running, jumping and flying, do you burn more calories in reality as opposed to when you're dreaming about doing something low-impact?

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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