Jokes

Posted on 23 January 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man enters a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.

The Pharmacist asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "I do not know."

Well, take this board with holes and go to the bathroom and measure.

In 10 minutes the man comes back and tells the pharmacist, "I have changed my mind I don't need the condoms. How much is this board"?

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."

-- Joke submitted by Rob Mara   [Jokes]



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An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to screw his wife -- but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.

"No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!"

"I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."

-- Joke submitted by Simon Dur   [Jokes]



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A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks, "Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?"

"Sorry sir," the owner responds, "but, we're all full."

"Aw, please I really need some poon tang!"

And the owner answers, "Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom."

"Whatever," the man answers quickly and races upstairs.

A few hours later the man comes down and says, "Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?"

The owner answers, "Respect for the dead."

-- Joke submitted by Amster   [Jokes]



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30 Reasons Chocolate Isn't Better Than Sex

1. Eating chocolate in public isn't exciting.

2. You can't ask chocolate to wear leather for you.

3. You can't put wax on chocolate's nipples.

4. Chocolate doesn't make a movie interesting.

5. It doesn't take talent to eat chocolate.

6. If you scream while eating chocolate people think something's wrong.

7. If you have a romantic dinner just to eat chocolate for dessert, your date will think you're an idiot.

8. You can't put handcuffs on chocolate.

9. Chocolate doesn't moan.

10. If you eat chocolate in the shower it will melt.

11. Eating chocolate in a large group isn't any more fun than eating it alone.

12. A magazine about chocolate wouldn't sell.

13. Chocolate won't sell a product, no matter how much of it you use.

14. Chocolate is ‘quality controlled'.

15. Chocolate comes with an expiration date.

16. Too much chocolate will make you sick.

17. There's no challenge in obtaining a bit of chocolate.

18. If you don't want any chocolate people assume something's wrong with you.

19. Mixing chocolate with whipped cream will give you cavities.

20. Chocolate isn't fun to undress.

21. Eating chocolate does nothing for your cardiovascular system.

22. You can't write a book on how to eat chocolate.

23. You can never eat the same chocolate twice.

24. Your mom will scold you about eating chocolate before dinner.

25. You have to wait a half-hour before swimming after eating chocolate.

26. When chocolate gets hot it gets harder to eat.

27. Chocolate makes you fat.

28. Chocolate will kill your dog.

29. It's no fun to wrestle chocolate to the ground.

30. Chocolate doesn't react to being licked.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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What To Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex

1. "A little to the left."
2. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"
3. "Is there room for two in there?"
4. "Two words: penis extension."
5. Invite others in as a cheering section.
6. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.
7. "Maybe it would help if you..."
8. "That's what you call erect?"
9. "That reminds me of a joke I heard..."
10. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"
11. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"
12. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."
13. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."
14. "May I cut in?"
15. "That's illegal in Arkansas."
16. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."
17. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.
18. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
19. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."
20. "Mmm...that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."
21. "Let's make a sandwich."
22. "Is that hard enough for you?"
23. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"
24. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"
25. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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