Jokes

Posted on 7 November 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."

The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."

Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"

The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up.

He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"

"I did," answered three men at once.

"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."

-- Joke submitted by Diana   [Jokes]



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The teachers were being feted by a number of business groups in the neighborhood. At the end of his welcoming speech, the head of the Chamber of Commerce said, raising his wineglass, "Long live our teachers!!"

A voice in the back said, "On what?"

-- Joke submitted by Rebecca Osborn   [Jokes]



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"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"

"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"

-- Joke submitted by Raina Kropp   [Jokes]



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"Stewardess!"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

-- Joke submitted by Alex Buldakov   [Jokes]



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Sayings

"EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT - Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of limit is that? The Earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More Earth. The Earth is the limit.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH - What about when you eat at home? I don't pay when I eat lunch at home - it's free! Sometimes I leave a tip, but basically, it's a free lunch. Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store. But as the Zen Buddhists say, The Food is Not the Lunch.

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO - Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that it only takes one to tango. It takes two to tango together, maybe, but one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that it took twenty-six to tango.

-- Joke submitted by Anna Spencer   [Jokes]



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You know you're in the Desert if...

1. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
2. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
3. You can make instant sun tea.
4. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
5. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
6. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
7. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
8. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
9. It's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
10. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
11. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
12. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
13. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
14. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

-- Joke submitted by Fantas   [Jokes]



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How to Confuse Your Roommate

1. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

2. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."

3. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

4. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"

5. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."

6. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")

7. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.

8. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.

9. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

10. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

11. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

12. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

13. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "I'll get that pesky road runner...."

14. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.

15. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

16. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.

17. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

18. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

19. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

20. Keep some worms in a shoe box. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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