Jokes

Posted on 6 November 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

What the job ads really say

Ground floor opportunity - Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company - Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player - Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personalities - Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Word processing skills essential - There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important - $20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe.

Salary range $24K to $32K - The salary is $24K.

Will train - Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem.

BA required, MA preferred - Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary.

Civil service - This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Outstanding benefits package - Health insurance.

Tons of variety - We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job.

Top notch communication skills - Telemarketing.

Beautiful offices in attractive locale - Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet.

Secretary - Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary - The most powerful position in any company.

Dedicated - You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate - We'll pay you whatever the we feel like.

Salary negotiable - We'll take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary - We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job!

Competitive starting salary - Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere - A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere - Zombie pod people.

Self-starter - Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means.

-- Joke submitted by Wanetta Gardner   [Jokes]



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A married coupe was planning to go on vacation in Key West, Florida. The man went down first, while the wife was finishing up a business meeting in New York City. The husband arrived and decided to email his wife to tell her that he arrived in Key West.

After he typed his message, he accidentally typed in the wrong email address. The email went to a woman who was grieving over her recently deceased husband.

The grieving woman checked her email, read the man's letter, then passed out cold. Her daughter came in and looked at the computer screen. It read: "Honey, This is your husband. I just wanted to tell you I got here OK, and I have all your bags checked in and ready for you to get here tonight so we can be together. P.S. It sure is hot down here."

-- Joke submitted by Ajit   [Jokes]



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An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure.

The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"

The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!"

-- Joke submitted by Ed Bodger   [Jokes]



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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy (starts looking for change...)

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

-- Joke submitted by Vicky   [Jokes]



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Taxes One-Liners

Ambition in America is still rewarded... with high taxes.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

There was a time when $1000.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

Congress does some strange things - it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

The rich and the poor are alike - they both complain about taxes.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

I hate junk mail... and that includes the tax forms they send me.

Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

-- Joke submitted by Danny Doplin   [Jokes]



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