Jokes

Posted on 20 October 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for evening.

Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away!. Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet...

After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked, "Wrong hole? What you mean wrong hole?"

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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One day, a deaf mute walks into a Chemist to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his willy on the counter, and puts down a five-pound note next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't make a bet..."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

"George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular! " the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the Queen of England, she loves the music. She says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the darn Clarinet."

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the bloody Clarinet.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their backsides!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the bloody Clarinet!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't say out loud in a Victoria Secret store

1. Does this come in children's sizes?

2. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

3. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

4. Mom will love this.

5. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

6. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

7. Will you model this for me???

8. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

9. But darling-your mother already has that one in red.

10. 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!

-- Joke submitted by KaSandra   [Jokes]



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One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

-- Joke submitted by Kot   [Jokes]



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25 Signs That You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save Your sorry old ass.

-- Joke submitted by laurie   [Jokes]



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Sexual Excuses

I'm too low on octane and too full of gas.

I'd rather be nappping.

I don't remember how to do it.

My head makes promises my body can't keep.

I'm too busy channel surfing.

The parts that aren't hurting aren't working.

I'm all out of stiffy pills.

I might hurt myself.

The only thing that'll be stiff tonight is my back.

Oh, I already did that last year.

I'm afraid I might break it.

It's too much work and I'm retired.

Not tonight, it's past my bedtime.

Sorry, I have a headache.

-- Joke submitted by quietsleeper   [Jokes]



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Some Warning Signs of Insanity

1. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

2. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

3. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

4. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

5. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

6. You collect dead windowsill flies.

7. Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

8. You like cats. Especially with mayo.

9. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

10. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

11. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

12. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

13. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

14. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

15. Melba toast sexually excites you.

16. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

17. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

18. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

19. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

20. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

21. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

22. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

23. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

24. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

-- Joke submitted by Paul Clark   [Jokes]



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