Jokes

Posted on 5 November 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



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Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems?"

-- Joke submitted by Erik Schenck   [Jokes]



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Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss's top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it. When she finally died, her coworker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer.

After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder. After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up.

It said: "Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss's coffee."

-- Joke submitted by zoop   [Jokes]



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The new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on time and that they will work for many long hours.

The timpanist, expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the drums: BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM.

The conductor, whirling around furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!"

-- Joke submitted by xtern   [Jokes]



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Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, "Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!"

-- Joke submitted by sasa   [Jokes]



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A small boy is woken by a huge crash of thunder. He runs into his parents' room, where his father comforts him.

"Don't be afraid of the thunder," he says. "It's just a noise that God makes when someone tells a lie."

"But why is it thundering now?" asks the boy. "It's the middle of the night and everyone is asleep."

"I know," replies the father. "But it's around this time that they start to print the newspapers."

-- Joke submitted by Doug Lanning   [Jokes]



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Questions to Ponder

1. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

2. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

3. If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

4. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

5. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

6. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, could you plan a surprise birthday party for them?

7. If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

8. If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

9. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?

10. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?

11. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

12. If you take a shower, where do you put it?

13. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

17. Is it possible to be totally partial?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

20. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

21. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

22. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

23. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

24. Why is it called a tv set if you only get one?

25. If its zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

26. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

27. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

29. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

-- Joke submitted by Emma   [Jokes]



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Rules For Driving In The South

* A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

* Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Southerner never uses them.

* Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

* Tailgating is a "must" to all Southerners.

* Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

* The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

If you MUST use turn signals, here's how to do it, Southern Style.

* Signal only when you feel like it.

* If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.

* Signal only after you change lanes.

* When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times. This keeps the drivers behind you on their toes.

* Signal as you approach a curve in the road.

* If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.

* If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.

* When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.

* When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.

* Always apply your brakes way before you signal.

* When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.

* Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.

* If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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