Jokes

Posted on 16 October 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.

She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!"

The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "Oh bugger, I'm on the wrong bus!"

-- Joke submitted by Bo Aplan   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.

This was impossible, the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a tree!"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A radish and an onion were driving down the street in a small car and were involved in a terrible accident.

The radish wakes up in the hospital and asks, "What happened, where am I, and where is my good friend the Onion?"

The doctor says, "You were in a terrible accident and you are in the hospital. I have good news and bad news about your friend the Onion: the good news is your Onion friend is perfectly all right, ...the bad news is he is going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

-- Joke submitted by Hammerbold   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


30 ways to confuse your roommate

1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.

4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."

6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.

7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.

8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.

9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.

10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."

11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."

12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.

15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.

16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."

18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.

20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases.. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

24. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.

26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.

27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."

28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."

29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

-- Joke submitted by Pete_Ex   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


New Breeds of Dogs

The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5