Jokes

Posted on 15 October 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card.

The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one.

"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.

"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."

-- Joke submitted by zullin   [Jokes]



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How to Bake a Cake

1. Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.

2. Remove blocks and toy cars from table.

3. Grease pan, crack nuts.

4. Measure two cups flour.

5. Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.

6. Remeasure flour.

7. Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.

8. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.

9. Get another bowl.

10. Answer doorbell.

11. Return to kitchen.

12. Remove baby's hands from bowl.

13. Wash baby.

14. Answer phone.

15. Return.

16. Remove 1/4 inches of salt from greased pan.

17. Look for baby.

18. Grease another pan.

19. Answer telephone.

20. Return to kitchen and find baby.

21. Remove baby's hands from bowl.

22. Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.

23. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.

24. Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.

25. Call baker.

26. Lie down.

-- Joke submitted by Kibalin   [Jokes]



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The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

-- Joke submitted by P. Etchingham   [Jokes]



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Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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Gags For The Office Drone

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

3. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent as in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

4. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"

5. In a colleagues diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

6. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

7. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

8. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

9. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.

10. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

11. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

12. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

13. Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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You Might Be in the Health Care Field If...

1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You believe in serial spraying of Prozac.
4. Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.
5. You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
6. You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
7. You think unspeakable evil will befall you is anyone says: "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."
8. When you are out in public, you compliment complete strangers on their veins.
9. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide - Getting It Right The First Time."
10. You have ever had to leave a patient's room before laughing hysterically.
11. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
12. You have ever restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.
13. You commonly utter the phrase: "What changed tonight at 2am that made this emergency after 6 months?!"
14. You believe that "Too Stupid To Live" should be a diagnosis.
15. You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting room is a novel idea.
16. When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking of a food group.
17. You have been exposed to so many x-rays you don't even bother with birth control.
18. You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike fear in the hearts of your co-workers.
19. You have heard, "Why, I don't know how that got stuck there" too many times.

-- Joke submitted by Alyssa Wilson   [Jokes]



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