Jokes

Posted on 10 October 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

-- Joke submitted by Tom Hart   [Jokes]



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He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

-- Joke submitted by Irkona   [Jokes]



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Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.

The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny says, "I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".

The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.

The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"

Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

-- Joke submitted by John Safford   [Jokes]



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A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was 6'6", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer.

"You? A lawyer?" said the tall attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket."

"Very likely you could," replied the other, "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."

-- Joke submitted by Charles   [Jokes]



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A blonde had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," replied the blonde, "but if I go to work there, I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"

"No," replied the blonde, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

-- Joke submitted by Emma Brooks   [Jokes]



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Business one-liners

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.

A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."

-- Joke submitted by treater   [Jokes]



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Management Tree

A Management Structure is often referred to as a tree. This is an accurate description for the following reasons:

- It is made almost entirely of wood.

- Parts of it can be dead for years before they drop off.

- If a branch falls off, most of the parasites move back to the main structure.

- It takes years to react to any environmental change.

- A large one can transpire hundreds of gallons of liquid in a day.

- It sometimes carries a great many nuts.

- If not pruned regularly it will not bear much fruit.

- Small pieces which are chopped off often grow again in a few years.

- It can be fired, but usually needs lots of paper to get it going.

- It may provide shelter for those underneath, but also blocks out most of the light.

- From the top one can see for miles in all directions, except vertically downward.

- Anything heavy dropped from the top reaches the bottom quickly; the intervening layers merely delay it slightly.

- Parts of it can be used to make boards (of varying thickness) but unless properly seasoned the quality will be poor.

- It bends easily in light winds but in storms it is rarely flexible enough to avoid damage.

- It sometimes gets the chop, but usually only after it has been dead or rotten for years.

- A man falling from the upper levels can often grab a lower branch to break his fall, but a man falling from lower levels goes straight to the ground.

- Sometimes one can move from tree to tree without touching the ground. One can travel thus for considerable distances eventually reaching a point at which one has absolutely no knowledge of the ground below.

- Monkeys can get to the top with remarkable speed.

-- Joke submitted by Sean Weiler   [Jokes]



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"Have your eyes ever been checked?"

"No, they've always been blue."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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