Jokes

Posted on 9 October 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

He didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.

Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.

Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it would fit in the pan, of course."

-- Joke submitted by Lucy Povey   [Jokes]



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"Can anyone tell me," asked the teacher, "why the Middle Ages are often called the Dark Ages?"

Sally raised her hand and shouted, "Because they had so many knights?"

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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When they were newly married, the old perfesser found his wife sitting stock still at the kitchen table.

He thought she was in silent prayer, but as he moved quietly to her side, he noticed the recipe which said, "Don't stir for fifteen minutes."

-- Joke submitted by Ian Paten   [Jokes]



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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.

Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 mph highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts trying to get out of the child-proofed locks car.

Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde: "Oh... I guess that means we just got off of highway 129".

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



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You Know You're Having A Bad Day When...

1. Your twin sister forgets your birthday...

2. You wake up face down on the pavement...

3. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better...

4. You call suicide prevention, and they put you on hold...

5. You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office...

6. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles...

7. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any...

8. You turn on the TV news, and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city...

9. The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife...

10. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke, and then realize that you don't have a water bed...

11. It's such a beautiful day that you decide to walk to work only to find out that you tucked the back of your dress into your pantyhose...

12. You go to sign online, and they tell you "Your account is currently in use."

-- Joke submitted by Doug Lanning   [Jokes]



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You know you work in Corporate North America in the 90's if...

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Communication is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

When 100% of your time means 20 hours.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

Vacation is something you roll over to next year OR a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

Nepotism is encouraged.

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list and understood it.

-- Joke submitted by JJP   [Jokes]



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