Jokes

Posted on 8 October 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two Martians landed on a corner with a traffic light.

"I saw her first," one Martian said.

"So what?" said the other. "I'm the one she winked at."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Doctor: What? Your 'eyes' got a cold?

Patient: Yes doctor, I was wearing a cooling glass.

-- Joke submitted by Frida Solma   [Jokes]



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A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"

-- Joke submitted by Leo Russell   [Jokes]



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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the heck away from me!"

-- Joke submitted by Alan Hugh   [Jokes]



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Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

-- Joke submitted by John Petkin   [Jokes]



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Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

-- Joke submitted by Pete_Ex   [Jokes]



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Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out.

Marketing: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

Sales: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can " concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

Technology: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

Engineering: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.

Accounting: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

Human Resources: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

Middle Management/Department Management/Team Leads: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

Senior Management: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

Customer Service: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.

-- Joke submitted by Dave Cowburn   [Jokes]



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You work for the government if...

1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.

2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.

3. The process becomes more important than the product.

4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.

6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.

7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.

8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.

9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.

12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.

13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.

15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.

18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.

24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

28. Art involves a white board.

29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"

31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

35. Change is the norm.

36. Nepotism is encouraged.

37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.

38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.

-- Joke submitted by fantalady   [Jokes]



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