Jokes

Posted on 8 October 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

-- Joke submitted by Ed Bodger   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.

"Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk answered, "Snow."

-- Joke submitted by kiks   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A blonde was at the doctor for a check-up, and the doctor said, "You're getting older, so I need to ask this: Have you ever been incontinent?"

The blonde says: "Yes, I've been to Europe twice."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Abe's son Morris arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.

"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," Morris said, "I saved $2.50 by running behind the bus all the way home!"

"Morris, you are a stupid boy!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $15.00!"

-- Joke submitted by Gerry Reppel   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A man was driving recklessly down the motorway one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"

The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!"

Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under its chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Q: What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
A: This one will sleigh you!

Q: Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
A: Because they are both tail bearers!

Q: Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
A: Because they would look silly in plastic macs!

Q: How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
A: Don't feed it!

Q: Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
A: Because his brown ones were all muddy!

Q: How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A: Just long enough to reach the ground!

Q: Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
A: Because he didn't want to be recognized!

Q: Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
A: The smallest ones!

Q: Where do you find reindeer?
A: It depends on where you leave them!

Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
A: Baby reindeer!

-- Joke submitted by Belina   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Life's Unanswered Questions

Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?

Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

If you have a pet with 2 heads, do you have to name both heads?

If you dig a hole in the South Pole, are you digging up or down?

Why do people squint when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?

What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack?

Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?

Why do we call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?

How old does something have to be to become an antique?

Can a teacher give a homeless child homework?

Why do they say "an alarm going off" if it's really going on?

How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?

Do cows have calf muscles?

If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?

Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?

If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?

Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?

If you died with braces on would they take them off?

Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?

If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?

Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?

How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?

Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

-- Joke submitted by Carl Poluchek   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5