Jokes

Posted on 7 October 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A priest put up a signboard outside his church saying, "I pray for all."

A lawyer passing by wrote underneath, "I plead for all."

"I prescribe for all," scribbled a doctor.

"And I pay for all!" added a citizen.

-- Joke submitted by Charles   [Jokes]



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A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?

She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle while jumping up and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman, "What's the matter?"

She replies, "I didn't notice until after I took the medicine that it said, 'Shake Well'."

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

-- Joke submitted by yon   [Jokes]



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Rules of Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

-- Joke submitted by ps-ef   [Jokes]



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Enough time on the computer

1.A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!"

2.You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3.You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4.You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

5.You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6.You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

7.You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

8.Tech support calls YOU for help.

9.You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10.You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11.You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12.You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

13.You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

14.You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

15.You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16.You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17.You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.

18."Where did the time go?"

19.You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

20.You end your sentences with...three or more periods.

-- Joke submitted by Funny guy   [Jokes]



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Alternative Affirmations for the New Year

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

-- Joke submitted by Susan Oster   [Jokes]



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Rules For Driving In The South

* A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

* Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Southerner never uses them.

* Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

* Tailgating is a "must" to all Southerners.

* Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

* The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

If you MUST use turn signals, here's how to do it, Southern Style.

* Signal only when you feel like it.

* If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.

* Signal only after you change lanes.

* When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times. This keeps the drivers behind you on their toes.

* Signal as you approach a curve in the road.

* If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.

* If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.

* When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.

* When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.

* Always apply your brakes way before you signal.

* When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.

* Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.

* If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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