Jokes

Posted on 1 June 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says, "Oh my, you have such beautiful dogs. What are their names?"

The blonde replies, "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds, "Huh, that's interesting. Why did you name them such names?"

The blonde sighs and shakes her head, "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else would you name your watch dogs?"

-- Joke submitted by Lucy Povey   [Jokes]



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"On occasion," said Mrs. Davis to the new maid, "it will be necessary for you to help Mr. Davis's valet upstairs."

"Of course, ma'am," replied the young domestic. "I've worked with lushes before."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we'd have to hire three more people to sweep the floor."

-- Joke submitted by Dr. Greene   [Jokes]



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It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

1. Let go of the mouse.

2. Turn off the computer.

3. Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

4. Eat something other than taco chips.

5. Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

6. Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

7. Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

8. Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

9. When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

10. If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

11. Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

12. Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

13. Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

-- Joke submitted by Ian Cooper   [Jokes]



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Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase.

The other policeman protests. "While we're doodling," he points out, "he is making his getaway."

"Relax," says the game-theorist policeman, "He's got to figure it out too, don't he?"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me

1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.

14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

15. Making your bed is a waste of time.

16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.

19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.

20. Don't pop someone else's bubble.

21. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.

22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.

23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.

25. Make your mother proud of you.

-- Joke submitted by Ann Silva   [Jokes]



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