Jokes

Posted on 13 September 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

-- Joke submitted by Hilda McVicar   [Jokes]



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One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

-- Joke submitted by law-n-don   [Jokes]



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"What is the plural of man, Willie?" asked the teacher.

"Men," he answered.

"And, what is the plural of child?"

"Twins," replied Willie.

-- Joke submitted by Diana   [Jokes]



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There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each...

The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski."

With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.

The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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An elementary school teacher decides to poll the class on the difficulty of last night's homework assignment.

"How many people were able to complete the assignment without parent's help?" About 25% of the class raises their hands.

"How many people were able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent?" About 70% of the class raises their hands.

The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands. She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?"

-- Joke submitted by goldenfrank   [Jokes]



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A blonde is driving around in her red sports car and gets pulled over by the police.

The policeman approaches the car with the ticket and his pen ready and says, "Young lady, you've been driving almost double the speed limit. Give me your name, please."

"Hmmph," says the blonde, looking very irritated. "And what are people supposed to call me then?"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Words are tools of communication. Unfortunately, words often have different meanings for different people. Here are some examples:

It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn we assume you will have forgotten it, too.

A program - Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call.

Expedite - To confound confusion with commotion.

Channels - The trail left by interoffice memos.

Coordinator - The guy who has a desk between two expediters.

Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.

To activate - To make copies and add more names to the memo.

To implement a program - Hire more people and expand the office.

Under consideration - Never heard of it.

Under active consideration - We're looking in the files for it.

In the earliest stage of finalization - Haven't started it yet.

A meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.

A conference - A place where conversation is substituted by the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.

To negotiate - To seek a meeting of the minds without knocking together of heads.

Re-orientation - Getting used to work again.

Reliable source - The guy you just met.

Informed source - The guy who told the guy you just met.

Unimpeachable source - The guy who started the rumor originally.

A clarification - To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

We are making a survey - We need more time to think of an answer.

Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Let's get together on this - I'm assuming you are as confused as I am.

See me, or Let's discuss - Come down to my office. I'm lonesome.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do.

We will advise you in due course - If we figure it out, we'll let you know.

To give someone the picture - A long confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.

-- Joke submitted by BigFist   [Jokes]



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Wisdom from Grandpa

- Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past but never the present.

- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

- Many girls like to marry a military man he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

-- Joke submitted by Dan Grem   [Jokes]



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