Jokes

Posted on 12 September 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:

Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?

Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?

Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?

Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.

Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...

Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!

-- Joke submitted by Mont   [Jokes]



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A guy appeared in court for killing his wife after catching her in bed with another man.

Passing sentence, the judge said: "Can I ask, why did you kill your wife instead of just killing her lover?"

The defendant replied: "But your honor, is it not better that I just killed her rather than a different man each week?"

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

-- Joke submitted by razer22   [Jokes]



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Practice Safe Fax

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

-- Joke submitted by Mike Pett.   [Jokes]



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50 Worst Pickup Lines that Ensure You Crash and Burn

Most of you must have read some of these at one point or another or even tried using them. No harm for a nice refresher, right?

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. Wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you"
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants".

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

28. F** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize?

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, lets go back to my room and spread the word.

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, or yield?

43. Hi my name is _____, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

45. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go... Choo choo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

49. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.

50. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

-- Joke submitted by BZB   [Jokes]



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A few sex positions you may not know

Chinese Checkers:
Where you jump from hole to hole while jumping holes already filled. A variation can be played with 2 people but it is much more recommended to play with 3+ people. In this game everyone wins.

Top Hat Monocle Position:
A higher class sexual position in which a top hat and monocle are used. The imagination is used to make for a kinky sexual environment. A very passionate and energetic sex position.

WWF Champions:
When your in the 69 position and while a girl is sucking your dick you pick her up from the bed and piledrive her to the ground.

Sex Clown:
The act of suddenly and without warning blowing your load on a woman's breasts and face during sex, followed by a quick honking of her nose. The honking can be done simply for comedic effect, or, as an act of courtesy, to squeeze out any jizz that may have entered her nostrils. NOTE: the person on the receiving end may not put out for weeks after experiencing the sex clown.

Omega Position:
A sex move that collapses space-time to a single point which then expands and cools to form a new universe. (That's why they call it the 'big bang'.)

Simon Sex:
Having sex while the chosen partner, "Simon" gets to shout out different positions, and the other partner has less then 30 seconds to perform. Gets progressively tougher. If they fail they get punished (some people play to lose).

Rodeo Position:
When a man has sex with his woman in the Doggy Position, leans over and says, "You know, your sister likes this position too." And tries to hang on for 8 seconds.

Canada's History:
The most gruesome sex act in the kama sutra that usually involves maple syrup, at least one moose, a duck, the Stanley Cup, and as many beavers as you'd like. This sex position is less popular than most others mainly because it is stickier than most, but is still gaining popularity in certain regions.

The Pirate:
While a man and woman are having sex, the man kicks the woman in the shin and cums in her eye. This causes her to yell "Arrrrr" and then wear an eye patch.

Meatloaf Pie Snatcher:
Quite possibly the only sex position ever known to get the red-headed cowboy off. At times taking up to 14 hours to complete, one must have the utmost stamina to perform the task. This is not for the light-hearted, as last week's lunch is normally involved. Originated in the heart of North Carolina, the first meatloaf pie snatcher ever performed created the loudest sonic boom, in this case referred to as "quantum stroke," ever recorded. Chuck Norris himself was said to have exclaimed, "damn, man!" To compete, Chuck then invented the Potroast Poledance, but no normal human has since replicated the feat, and the first three women involved perished, and roundhouse kicking may have been a factor.

-- Joke submitted by BBL   [Jokes]



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