Jokes

Posted on 12 September 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.

The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building. Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"

-- Joke submitted by Liberton   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A unit of soldiers was on a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "as least we're holding our own!"

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

-- Joke submitted by Vicky   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


"I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," prescribed the doctor.

"You gotta be kidding, doc," replied the patient, "I've been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee".

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Three couples are dining together.

The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".

The English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".

The Russian husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow".

-- Joke submitted by Lyd   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


The man lay on the couch telling his psychiatrist a sad tale. "I see my brother, Doctor," he said. "He is walking down a long corridor, walking up fifteen steps in the green door. There are lots of people standing around. They're bandaging his eyes... ooh, Doctor, Doctor what does it mean?"

"Well," said the psychiatrist, "if they ain't playing blind man's bluff he's in real trouble."

-- Joke submitted by Zamember   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


What men call their women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.

Darling - Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear - Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart - If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe - Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70's throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll - This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess - Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.

Sexy - Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend - He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!

The wife - If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half - You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus - See The Wife.

My partner - He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other - He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed - He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.

-- Joke submitted by wonderless   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


100 Ways to Order a Pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

-- Joke submitted by JJP   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5