Jokes

Posted on 11 September 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,

"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where it is?"

-- Joke submitted by Trevor Nez   [Jokes]



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The lady complained to her husband, "Why don't you buy me a fur coat? I'm always so very, very cold!"

"If you already knew the answer," he replied, "then why did you ask me the question?"

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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Two brothers were having their breakfast one morning, it's cereals with hot chocolate. The younger brother finished his drink and took his bowl of cereal, and went to the aquarium.

Just as he was about to feed the fish with the bowl of cereals, his mother came in and shouted, "Jon, don't do it! The fish will die!"

The little boy turned pale, and gave his mother a desperate look...

-- Joke submitted by Monica Finch   [Jokes]



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There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a
bag of money in the attic. "When I die, I'll get it on my way up,"
chuckled the old man.

When the old man died, the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there.

"I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.

-- Joke submitted by Barbara Walker   [Jokes]



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Ways To Stay Stressed

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

1. Never exercise. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

2. Eat anything you want. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.

3. Gain weight. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

4. Take plenty of stimulants. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

5. Get rid of your social support system. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

6. Personalize all criticism. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

7. Males and females alike be macho. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

8. Become a workaholic. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

9. Discard good time management skills. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

10. Procrastinate. Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.

11. Worry about things you can't control. Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

12. Become not only a perfectionist but set impossibly high standards...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.

13. Throw out your sense of humor. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.

-- Joke submitted by greygoose   [Jokes]



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Put More Stress Into Your Life!

1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.

2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.

3. Consider the power of negative thinking.

4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

5. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.

7. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait". This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.

10. Never read a book or listen to music.

11. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself.

12. Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.

13. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.

15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.

17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.

18. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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