Jokes

Posted on 19 January 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

-- Joke submitted by Belina   [Jokes]



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A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

-- Joke submitted by ziapod   [Jokes]



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A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh... Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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A hunter saves an Indian chief being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods. The chief invites the hunter back to his camp to celebrate and reward the hunter for saving his life.

At the celebration, the Indian chief says to the hunter, "I have a special surprise for you: 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and choose one. She will be your wife."

The chief clapped his hands and 500 young, beautiful Indian maidens appeared, topless, before them. With closer inspection, the hunter notices that none of them have nipples on their breasts.

"Why don't these maidens have nipples on their breasts?" he asks the chief.

The chief turns to the hunter with surprise, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"

-- Joke submitted by zuzu   [Jokes]



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Things to do at a supermarket

1. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

2. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

3. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

4. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

5. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

6. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

7. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

8. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

9. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

10. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

11. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

12. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

13. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

14. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

15. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

16. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

17. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

18. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

19. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

20. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

21. Play a game of indoor freeze tag.

22. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming".

23. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes.

24. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices.

25. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane.

26. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

27. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saying "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

28. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight.

29. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

30. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

31. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section.

32. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

33. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

34. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (don't try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

35. If people aren't looking at their cart, steal it.

36. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

37. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

38. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught.

39. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

40. Repeatedly say "The clowns are not eating me."

41. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

42. Rearrange items as you see fit.

43. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

44. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs.

45. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex).

46. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recommended).

47. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

48. Follow someone until they notice.

49. Pull out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial.

50. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

51. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over again in the middle of a clothes rack.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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