Jokes

Posted on 10 September 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

-- Joke submitted by Peter Charlton   [Jokes]



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A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

-- Joke submitted by Sean Miller   [Jokes]



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A woman went to her doctor and said, "I want to have my husband committed."

"Well, it's not that simple. You need proof that he's mentally incompetent."

"He goes ice fishing."

"Okay. Close enough for me."

-- Joke submitted by Lyd   [Jokes]



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The two mountain climbers had reached the end of their exhausting journey. Though at the point of collapse, they made it to the top.

"It almost cost us our lives to climb this mountain," the first climber said, "but it will be worth it to plant our country's flag on the top. This is the proudest moment of my life. Please -- hand me the flag."

The second mountain climber stared at him in surprise and said, "I thought you brought it!"

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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20 Unspoken Rules to Live By

1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.

2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.

3. Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.

4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he's your father.

5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.

6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.

7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.

8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don't mumble. And don't swing the stick.

9. The man who can't dance, can't converse, and can't provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can't cook, can't clean, and badly wants a drink.

10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.

11. Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.

12. There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood.

13. Telling a woman, "You're a great person," is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don't love her.

14. Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works.

15. Easy on the mayo!

16. Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies, as most hobbies strike people as somewhat pathetic: most notably, collecting stamps, coins, or anything else, bird-watching, bowling, rockhounding, spelunking, table tennis, poetry, dog shows, chat rooms, polka music, yoga, herpetology, marathon running, and religion. The only hobbies you can safely own up to when among people you need to impress are fly-fishing and golf.

17. Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk.

18. Never wear clothing that your coworkers avoid—the bow tie, the suspenders, the green suit. While you might think you're expressing your individuality, your colleagues will perceive it as a rejection of their group culture; you'll become a person who probably can't be trusted.

19. Do not bring lunch to work.

20. Rainbows are God's way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars.

-- Joke submitted by oliviakelly25   [Jokes]



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First World Problems

There's never been a hurricane with my name.

No one reblogs or likes what I blog on Tumblr.

It's too hot in my room with the fan off, and too loud with the fan on, so I can't sleep.

Homework is preventing me from doing more productive things.

Where I work is so close to my home that I can't hear a complete song while driving there.

I poured just the right amount of cereal, but there was so little left in the box that I had to pour and eat the rest of it too.

The lowest brightness setting on my iPad is still too bright to read in the dark.

The cleaning lady woke me up.

I just took a shower and now I have to poop.

Amazon is about to start charging me sales tax.

The guy at the fast food drive through is starting to recognize me.

I've overplayed all the decent songs within my preferred genres of music, and now I hate them all.

It is 2014 and we still don't have printers that can successfully cancel jobs.

My friend cancelled his Netflix account that I used, so now I have to pay for my own.

The Pepsi machine was out of order so I had to get a Coke.

The gym is calling my name, but my bed is holding me captive.

I accidentally bent my spoon while scooping out ice cream.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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Things Only Learned In College

1. Quarters are like gold.

2. Be creative in the dining hall.

3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.

4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.

5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.

6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos.

7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

8. Duct tape heals all wounds (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)

9. Showers become less important.

10. Sleep becomes more important.

11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!

12. Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").

13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot.

14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).

15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.

16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.

17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.

18. You begin to nap again (also not new).

19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.

20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?

21. Labs used to be fun.

22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.

23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.

24. E-mail becomes your second language.

25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.

27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.

31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.

32. Roadtrip whenever possible.

33. Pick up all new lingo.

34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.

36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.

39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.

42. It was never this bad when you got sick.

43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!

46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.

47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.

48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.

53. Disney movies are more than just classics.

54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.

57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.

60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

61. You almost forget how to drive.

62. You'll drink anything if it's free..

63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.

64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

65. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurrence.

67. You never realized how cool you can be.

68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.

70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.

73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.

74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties...

75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).

79. Procrastination becomes an art.

80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.

83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.

84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.

86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

87. Classes: the later the better.

88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.

89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.

90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.

91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.

92. You just don't learn last names.

93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.

94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.

95. Card games never lasted for hours before.

96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

97. Boys will dance in college.

98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

99. You are never alone.

100. You find out what beer sludge is.

101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.

103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.

106. You never realized how quiet your house was.

107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.

108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

110. Your life will never be the same again.

-- Joke submitted by PerichH   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

2. Why people are so scared of mice,which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Micky Mouse, who is bigger than us?

3. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

4. Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can't you get honey from a plastic bee?

5. Can bald men get lice?

6. How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

7. Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?

8. If you undergo chemotherapy do you lose your public hairs?

9. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

10. Does the postman deliver his own mail?

11. Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue?

12. What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other then your hand?

13. Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?

14. Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?

15. Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

16. Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

17. If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?

18. Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral?

19. If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

20. When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?

21. Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

22. Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?'

23. If there were a thousand seaguls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?

24. If you soak a raisin in water, does it turn back into a grape?

25. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

26. Why do they call steam rollers, steam rollers? They don't produce, get rid of, or have anything to do with steam?

27. What is another word for "thesaurus"?

28. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

29. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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