Jokes

Posted on 9 September 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

-- Joke submitted by Esther   [Jokes]



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What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a financial problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

-- Joke submitted by CasCado   [Jokes]



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There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

-- Joke submitted by gotit   [Jokes]



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Two politicians on the campaign trail encounter each other near a roadside diner, and decide to have a cup of coffee. They shoot the breeze for a while, and then get up to leave.

"You know why I'm going to be elected?" guy asks, pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket. "It's because of my generous personality. I always give the waitresses a big tip and ask them for their vote."

"That a fact," says the other, "I always ask them to vote for you too... but then I tip them a nickel."

-- Joke submitted by Miron Rutkowski   [Jokes]



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Wisdom from Grandpa

- Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past but never the present.

- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

- Many girls like to marry a military man he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

-- Joke submitted by Dan Grem   [Jokes]



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One-liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

9. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

10. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

11. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

14. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

15. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

16. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

17. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

18. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

19. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

20. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

21. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

22.Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

23.Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

24.It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

25.There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

27.There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Things to do in the elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space."

-- Joke submitted by 4broth   [Jokes]



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Seasoned Greetings


saltpepper marjoram cilantro
sarsaparilla bay leaves coriander!
garlicsalt allspice curry cinnamon
rosemary fennel parsley turmeric
dillweed ginger anise pepper
tarragon chives nutmeg
angelica garlic cloves
parsleysagerosemarythyme mustard zest
basiloreganocuminpaprika capers dill
marjoram hoisin relish Na
shallots pickle garlic Cl
woodruff cloves sesame
mushroom onions morels
peppermint jalapeno tarragon mace
butterscotch lime juice red pepper garlic
celeryseed cinnamon allspice sage


-- Joke submitted by Lamparnass   [Jokes]



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