Jokes

Posted on 18 August 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A guy runs into his office, wearing only a hat and carrying a briefcase. His boss stops him and says, "What are you doing, Cliff? Do you realize you're naked? Shouldn't this be your day off?"

Cliff calmly explains that he was on a party when suddenly the lights went out. Some voice said, "Gentleman, take off your ties." Somebody turned on the lights again and not a single guy was wearing a tie.

The situation repeated - the lights went out, but this time the voice said "Gentleman, strip naked." When the light went back on, the ladies started giggling and clapping their hands becuase all the guys were naked.

The lights went out again and this time the voice said, "Ladies, take your clothes off!" When the light came back on, all the ladies were naked.

The same voice said, "Gentleman, now get to work!"

"So I grabbed my hat and briefcase and came here, sir."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Question: Why is a pool table green?

Answer: If you had that many balls, you would be green too.

-- Joke submitted by Pete Corn   [Jokes]



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One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, "What the hell is that?"

The guy next to him answers, "He's a pianist!"

The drunk replied, "Horse shit, your pulling my leg."

So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.

Stunned, the drunk asks, "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?"

The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.

In a slur, the drunk says, "I wish for a million bucks".

All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.

Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, "You son of a b****, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit."

The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed, "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

-- Joke submitted by Carlo Ponti   [Jokes]



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Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Willy?

1. My Willy ate my homework.

2. Oh, no! Willy is frothing at the mouth!

3. Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Willy.

4. I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Willy on a leash.

5. Willy doesn't come when I call him.

6. I love giving Willy a bath.

7. Willy needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

8. Playing with Willy really wears me out.

9. Would you like to see a picture of Willy?

10. I keep a picture of Willy in my wallet.

11. I think Willy is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

12. Help! I can't find Willy!

13. Willy gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

14. Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Willy to the hospital.

15. Watch it or you'll step on Willy.

16. When Willy behaves well, he gets a bone.

17. Stop kicking Willy.

18. Willy is truly man's best friend.

19. I've trained Willy to jump through hoops.

20. Willy always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.

21. Excuse me, I need a muzzle for Willy.

22. Sorry I'm late, but Willy kept me up howling all night.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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One woman stops a taxi. She says, "To the airport, please."

After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today."

"Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant."

"Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet neither."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't say out loud in a Victoria Secret store

1. Does this come in children's sizes?

2. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

3. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

4. Mom will love this.

5. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

6. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

7. Will you model this for me???

8. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

9. But darling-your mother already has that one in red.

10. 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!

-- Joke submitted by KaSandra   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."

9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."

5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.

4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

-- Joke submitted by Michael Howe   [Jokes]



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