Jokes

Posted on 19 July 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil. The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".

The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what...you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it...I'll buy it".

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through the wife leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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A Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a tree!"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt.

She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

-- Joke submitted by Nancy   [Jokes]



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Paddy and Murphy are walking in the jungle by a river, and see a man's head sticking out of a crocodile.

Paddy says to Murphy: "Look at that flash bloke in his Lacoste sleeping bag."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A woman went to the bar with a black eye.

"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.

"From my husband," she replied.

"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.

"So did I!" she said.

-- Joke submitted by Kevin Bert   [Jokes]



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Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Someone call the janitor – we're going to need a mop.

3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!

4. Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

6. Hand me that...uh...that...uh...thingie.

7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

9. Darn, there go the lights again…

10. You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.

11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

13. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

14. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

15. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

16. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

17. Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.

18. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

19. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

20. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

-- Joke submitted by Leo Russell   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Ways to Be an annoying Usher

1. Insist on a pants-free environment.

2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.

3. Offer your "services" to all guests.

4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.

5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.

6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.

7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional.

8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"

9. Squeeze as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.

10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.

-- Joke submitted by clin polin   [Jokes]



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