Jokes

Posted on 11 August 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says, "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".

The husband says, "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

-- Joke submitted by ziapod   [Jokes]



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Things Your Mother Would Never Say

Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

-- Joke submitted by Rebecca   [Jokes]



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Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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46 Things that Girls Should Know By Now... But Don't

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

8. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is harder. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.

19. Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor.

22. Foreign films are for foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress up like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

-- Joke submitted by Umanya   [Jokes]



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The Ultimate List of Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

3. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

4. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

5. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

6. Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 166mhz Pentium?

7. How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

8. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

9. You're sweeter than glucose.

10. We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

11. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?

12. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?

13. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

14. Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com

15. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power.

-- Joke submitted by Robby Bobby   [Jokes]



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25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."

9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."

11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"

13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22) Throw people's things into the pool.

23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

-- Joke submitted by Grandpappy   [Jokes]



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