Jokes

Posted on 10 August 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

-- Joke submitted by John Safford   [Jokes]



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A guy appeared in court for killing his wife after catching her in bed with another man.

Passing sentence, the judge said: "Can I ask, why did you kill your wife instead of just killing her lover?"

The defendant replied: "But your honor, is it not better that I just killed her rather than a different man each week?"

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

-- Joke submitted by orto   [Jokes]



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A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Warming up your dinner."

-- Joke submitted by gargona   [Jokes]



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Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, "So, what do you hunt?"

Kurt answered, "I hunt unicorns."

Paul was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

Kurt replied, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

Kurt said, "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

-- Joke submitted by Pete   [Jokes]



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How they do it

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Teachers do it with class
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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What sex and parking spaces have in common

1. You should never have to wait to find one.

2. You should be able to slide right into one.

3. Spaces in the front are always the best.

4. When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice.

5. It sucks when someone else is double-parked.

6. Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back.

7. A full-size car is good to find.

8. It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces.

9. People are willing to wait in line for good spaces.

10. Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying.

11. We're all looking for free space with 'limited' time limit.

12. A house isn't a home without a parking space.

13. Some people are uncomfortable with in the rear.

14. Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?

15. The better your parking techniques are the most parking spaces you can get into.

-- Joke submitted by las tantol   [Jokes]



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Medical terminology for blondes

Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphram - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-jewish origins
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you're out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden

-- Joke submitted by Rob Cooney   [Jokes]



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