Jokes

Posted on 9 August 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A young woman went to see a fortune teller who told her: "You will be broke and unhappy till you are fifty."

"What happens when I'm fifty?" asked the young woman.

"Nothing," said the fortune teller. "But you'll be used to it by then."

-- Joke submitted by Ted Milton   [Jokes]



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"Dr Hunter," complained the elderly patient, "when I get up in the morning I feel quite faint - and it lasts for up to an hour. What do you suggest?"

"Hmmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully stroking his chin. "How about getting up an hour later?"

-- Joke submitted by Matt Blay   [Jokes]



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Into a Belfast pub comes Raditz, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Raditz.

"That little twirp, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Raditz, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Raditz... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

-- Joke submitted by Simon Belt   [Jokes]



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A guy came home one day after getting fired from work. He was so depressed that he decided to end it all and kill himself.

He went to the medicine cabinet, pulled out a bottle and began to swallow a handful of Prozac pills he found there.

After the first few he felt a lot better.

-- Joke submitted by Tim Blay   [Jokes]



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The bum approached the well-dressed man. "Say, pal, could you spare ten bucks for a soft drink?"

"Ten dollars!" the man exclaimed. "Listen my dear fellow, not even in this city will you find a place that charges so much for a soda."

"I know," said the panhandler, "but it's my girlfriend's birthday and I wanted to knock off early."

-- Joke submitted by Pete_Ex   [Jokes]



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Things you'll never hear from a Redneck

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wresslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "Trim the fat off that steak."
19. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
20. "The tires on that truck are too big."
21. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
22. "I've got it all on a DVD disk."
23. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
24. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
25. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
26. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
27. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
28. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
29. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
30. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
31. "Elvis who?"
32. "Checkmate."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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10 Ways to Get to Leave You Alone

You know how occasionally you'll have people over, and they won't shut up and they whole visit is getting a little tedious? Or you'll be talking to this incredibly boring person who is too sensitive to tell to go away? Well, here is a solution to that boring-person-who-just-will-not-leave-you-alone.

1. Close your eyes and lean your head on their shoulder. Snort and drool slightly, and when they pause jerk back up and ask, "What did I miss?"

2. Sneeze. Inhale deeply and for a long time then do an extended, "AH-AH-AH-" and finally end in a big, "Achoo!" Aim at the person. Wipe your nose with the palm of your hand then pat them on the shoulder and say, "Don't you just hate allergies?"

3. Stare down at your feet the whole time, then when they seem to be losing steam, look them straight in the eye and say, "You're one of them, but send them this message: I WILL NOT SURRENDER." Then look back down at your feet.

4. Interrupt them by poking their nose. Then wipe your finger on their cheek and tell them that they, "feel squishy."

5. Attempt to get them to lead in a round of, "If you're happy and you know it..."

6. Grab both of their hands in yours and start ballroom dancing while humming really loudly.

7. Growl softly slowly getting louder and louder and louder. Culminate with a bark.

8. Collapse on the floor.

9. Jump up and down non-stop. Smile insanely and hyperventilate.

10. Say, "bye-bye, I have to go now."

And hey, if these don't work, improvise, or leave the room very quickly.

-- Joke submitted by Craig   [Jokes]



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100 reasons to party

1. Because it's Friday.

2. Because your dentist canceled your appointment.

3. Because you can't think of anything boring to do.

4. Because it's daytime.

5. Because it's nighttime.

6. Because it's exactly one week later than it was this time last week.

7. Because you like to make ice.

8. Because you want to annoy your neighbors.

9. Because you're dying to wear your new light shade.

10. Because you're tired of playing 'Charades' with yourself.

11. Because you're carrying a party gene.

12. Because you found the perfect shoes.

13. Because you're afraid your lifestyle is too healthy.

14. Because you never know...

15. Because your place could use a good mess.

16. Because your mother needs something to be upset about.

17. Because you have a sudden urge to limbo.

18. Because your inhibitions are out of town.

19. Because the bank made an error in your favor.

20. Because it's there.

21. Because you need more bean dip in your diet.

22. Because the fun content of your blood is too low.

23. Because you look good doing it.

24. Because you're considering it as a career.

25. Because your yo-yo stock went up a point.

26. Because someone's got to do it.

27. Because you have a bad reputation to uphold.

28. Because your plants want to meet new people.

29. Because fun is a terrible thing to waste.

30. Because you want to try out your new jokes.

31. Because it's your patriotic duty.

32. Because you're going for the party record.

33. Because your roommate got rid of his scorpion farm.

34. Because you need the practice.

35. Because you're not getting any younger.

36. Because the vet says your hamster will pull through.

37. Because you've got it coming to you.

38. Because your life is starting to grow moss.

39. Because your brain needs a night off.

40. Because you never met a party you didn't like.

41. Because the fate of the free world depends on it.

42. Because the universe is expanding.

43. Because your dog is finally housebroken.

44. Because it's the only exercise you get.

45. Because maturity is overrated.

46. Because a party demon has possessed your body.

47. Because it hurts too much when you stop.

48. Because these are your "party years!"

49. Because you're too polite to turn down an invitation.

50. Because you can't boogie to a book.

51. Because you have an overactive party gland.

52. Because the moon is in a party phase.

53. Because otherwise the police would have nothing to do.

54. Because curfew has been lifted.

55. Because the phone company lost your Internet bill.

56. Because you won the lottery and feel reckless.

57. Because life seems so dull without it.

58. Because that's how the dinosaurs would have wanted to go.

59. Because you haven't eaten a million corn chips yet.

60. Because you're suffering from popcorn deficiency.

61. Because you're supposed to be the irresponsible one.

62. Because how else are you going to learn to juggle chainsaws?

63. Because your bank manager finally lifted that death threat.

64. Because you need to get to know more riot police.

65. Because your budgie ate your concert tickets and you need to let the party feeling out somehow.

66. Because the voices tell you to.

67. Because if not you, who else?

68. Because it's time.

69. Because the local committee like you too much.

70. Because you need to cultivate a bad impression.

71. Because if you don't you'll explode.

72. Because you got your coursework in on time.

73. Because your lecturer forgot to set work for the weekend.

74. Because you suspect you're too uptight.

75. Because you need to get ready for New Year's.

76. Because THEY don't want you to.

77. Because it's a long way till midnight, and you've got ten crates to get through.

78. Because you want to finish all the food in your house before dawn.

79. Because someone bet you to.

80. Because the dice tell you to. (see Luke Rhinehart)

81. Because you haven't heard a police megaphone for a whole week.

82. Because you want to meet new alcohol.

83. Because that's the last thing they'll expect.

84. Because it's down to you.

85. Because you spend too much time on the Net and you don't want to develop keyboard withdrawal.

87. Because how else are you going to rebel?

88. Because you just want to, alright, ALRIGHT?!

89. Because you're too tense.

90. Because everyone you know needs convincing you're insane.

91. Because your parrot accused you of being boring.

92. Because you know at least "30 things to do before you're 30" that you haven't done.

93. Because you need good reference material.

94. Because you want to create a false identity.

95. Because you want to prove you can.

96. Because you feel like everyone's ignoring you.

97. Because you want to improve your crime sheet.

98. Because you have a very evil punch recipe.

99. Because because because because... because of the wonderful things it does! (see Wizard of Oz)

100. Because you need to work on your purity test score.

-- Joke submitted by Pete_Ex   [Jokes]



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