Jokes

Posted on 9 August 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.

-- Joke submitted by Kaliman   [Jokes]



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First Kid: Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or
shine.

Second Kid: So what's so great about that?

First Kid: It's snowing outside!

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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"Your wife will hit the ceiling when you come home tonight," said the man to his drinking buddy.

"You're right," he replied. "She's a lousy shot."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Q. How do you catch a polar bear?

A. You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.

-- Joke submitted by Kit   [Jokes]



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A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."

"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.

"Only one?" the florist asked.

"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

-- Joke submitted by Gary White   [Jokes]



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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

-- Joke submitted by kelsyn   [Jokes]



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On their way to the seashore, a trainer and his talking dog were speeding along in a new sports car. A police car started after them.

"Pull over to the side," said the dog. "And when he gets here, let me do all the talking."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Signs technology took over your life

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back.In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than .

13. You back up your data every day.

14. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

15. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

16. You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.

17. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

18. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

19. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

20. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

21. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance.But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

22. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

23. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

24. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

25. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

26. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

27. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

28. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

29. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

30. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

31. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.

32. You understand all the jokes in this message.If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life.We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku.And don't use a laptop.

33. You email this message to your friends over the net.You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone.In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

34. You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.

35. While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.

36. You are reading this from a screen.

-- Joke submitted by ghost   [Jokes]



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