Jokes

Posted on 8 August 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Little Paul says to his father, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married."

His father says, "For that son, you have to have a girlfriend."

Paul says, "But I've found a girl."

"Who?" said his father.

"My grandma."

"Let me get this straight." the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."

"Well, why not?" says Paul. "You married mine."

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

-- Joke submitted by golfer   [Jokes]



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Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"

-- Joke submitted by xtofer   [Jokes]



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"How did school go today?" a mother asked her little boy.

"Fine," the little fellow replied. "We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child."

"What did she say?" his mother asked.

"The teacher said, 'Thank goodness'."

-- Joke submitted by RORCA   [Jokes]



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What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a financial problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

-- Joke submitted by CasCado   [Jokes]



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Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.

2. A few clowns short of a circus.

3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

5. A few beers short of a six-pack.

6. A few peas short of a casserole.

7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

9. One taco short of a combination plate.

10. A few feathers short of a whole duck

11. All foam, no beer.

12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

13. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

14. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

15. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

16. As smart as bait.

17. Chimney's clogged.

18. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

19. Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.

20. Forgot to pay her brain bill.

21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.

22. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

23. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

24. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

25. Has the intelligence of a Carrot.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase.

The other policeman protests. "While we're doodling," he points out, "he is making his getaway."

"Relax," says the game-theorist policeman, "He's got to figure it out too, don't he?"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Laws of Computer Programming

1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.

3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

5. Any program will expand to fill available memory.

6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

8. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

9. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

10. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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