Jokes

Posted on 31 July 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A screenwriter comes home to a burned-down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" he asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I barely made it out of the house alive..."

"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.

"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

"Yes."

"What was stolen?"

"Two televisions."

"Did you see the thieves?"

"Yes."

"Could you identify them?"

"Yes."

"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

-- Joke submitted by BEE   [Jokes]



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One day, two cats were sitting by a tennis court, watching the ball bounce back and forth over the net.

"Hey," exclaimed the first cat,"I didn't know that you liked to watch tennis."

"Actually I don't," responded the other cat. "The only reason I'm remotely interested is because my father's in the racket."

-- Joke submitted by gotit   [Jokes]



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"Doctor, doctor, I feel warm and out of breath!"

"You must have flu."

"No, I walked over."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Ways to Be an annoying Usher

1. Insist on a pants-free environment.

2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.

3. Offer your "services" to all guests.

4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.

5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.

6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.

7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional.

8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"

9. Squeeze as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.

10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.

-- Joke submitted by clin polin   [Jokes]



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50 Fun Things to do in a Final

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc...).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget it!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour).

26. For each question pick a classmate to yell at. Yell things like, "Ed, you said there was no way he'd put this question on the test. See if I ever study with you again."

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. duh!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so."

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Stinks."

-- Joke submitted by Lulu   [Jokes]



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