Jokes

Posted on 21 October 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."

-- Joke submitted by Sam Johnson   [Jokes]



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You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know.

And you're looking at them, like, "You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eating."

-- Joke submitted by Rob Mara   [Jokes]



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The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

-- Joke submitted by ritz   [Jokes]



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Witch Doctor (to sick native): Drink this potion of ground bat wing, lizard tail, alligator scale and hawk feathers.

Sick Native: I drank that yesterday and it didn't work.

Witch Doctor: Okay, take two aspirins and call me in the morning.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Did you ever wonder?

1. Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?

2. Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?

3. Is it possible to be allergic to water?

4. Considering that warm air rises, if a man builds up gas and the ambient temperature is less than his body temperature, does he weigh less than when he does not have gas? If he ate a pound of beans, would he weigh more or less? Going further, if one ate enough gaseous food, would they ultimately float off into space?

5. Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?

6. How come only your fingers and toes get prune in the shower and nothing else does?

7. In the song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," which is yellow-the bikini or the polka dots?

8. Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?

9. Whats a question with no answer called?

10. When the stock market closes at the end of the day, why does everyone stand around smiling and clapping regardless of whether the stocks are up or down?

11. When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?

12. If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?

13. Why doesn't baking soda freeze?

14. Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine" on a nude beach?

15. Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?

16. I read about an actuary who calculated that the odds of a man's trousers falling down if he was wearing both a belt and suspenders was about 35,000 to one. What would be the odds of a man's trousers falling down while wearing only a belt? What about only suspenders?

17. Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

18. Why is a square meal served on round plates?

19. What benefit is there to toasting bread instead of just eating it untoasted? If there is no benefit, how much electric energy is wasted on toasting do you think?

20. If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

21. Why is it that humans can move their eyes in opposite directions toward the nose, but not away from the nose?

22. Say I freeze meat in January. The package has an expiration date of February. When I thaw it in June, why doesn't it remember immediately that it should have gone bad four months ago?

23. When you're asleep and dreaming about performing calorie-burning activities such as running, jumping and flying, do you burn more calories in reality as opposed to when you're dreaming about doing something low-impact?

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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How to Build a Web Site in 25 Steps

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number +16.3E10" - 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.

-- Joke submitted by Rory   [Jokes]



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