Jokes

Posted on 25 September 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy breasts, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.

"Oh, bugger!!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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There once was a boy named Odd.

People made fun of him because of his name, so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

-- Joke submitted by Hammerbold   [Jokes]



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Doctor: Mr.Townsend, I think you're suffering from a split personality.

Mr.Townsend: No, we're not.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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"Doctor, doctor, I feel warm and out of breath!"

"You must have flu."

"No, I walked over."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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You Know You're Too Stressed If...

1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

2. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

3. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

4. The Sun is too loud.

5. Trees begin chasing you.

6. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

7. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

8. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

9. You can hear mimes.

10, You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

11. Things becomes "Very Clear".

12. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

13. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

14. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

15. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

16. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

17. Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

18. David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"

19. You and Reality file for divorce.

20. You can skip without a rope.

21. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

22. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before..

23. You can travel without moving.

24. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

25. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

26. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

27. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

28. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

29. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...

-- Joke submitted by Greg Pyatt   [Jokes]



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Things Not To Say During Childbirth

1. You know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!

2. Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

3. Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

4. I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

5. If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

6. That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

7. When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

8. You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

9. This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

10. Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

11. Stop your swearing and just breathe.

12. Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

13. Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

14. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.

-- Joke submitted by Oliver   [Jokes]



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