Jokes

Posted on 30 July 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house picking up after him."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash it when you are done and put it back in its proper place.'"

The woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend replied, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

-- Joke submitted by Heather Fraser   [Jokes]



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A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

-- Joke submitted by Sean Miller   [Jokes]



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A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her, she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires.

After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enough and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother?"

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"

Patient: "I am 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

-- Joke submitted by malagora   [Jokes]



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Rules For Driving In The South

* A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

* Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Southerner never uses them.

* Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

* Tailgating is a "must" to all Southerners.

* Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

* The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

If you MUST use turn signals, here's how to do it, Southern Style.

* Signal only when you feel like it.

* If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.

* Signal only after you change lanes.

* When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times. This keeps the drivers behind you on their toes.

* Signal as you approach a curve in the road.

* If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.

* If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.

* When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.

* When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.

* Always apply your brakes way before you signal.

* When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.

* Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.

* If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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How to Have Fun at a Boring Party

1. Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

2. Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

3. When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

4. Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"

5. Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

6. Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

7. Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

8. Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

9. Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too).

10. If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

11. If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing, "I thought you loved me!" and run from the room.

12. Tell a middle-aged wife, "Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet..."

13. Tell a middle aged man, "Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet..."

14. Whisper to the guest on your right, "What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?"

15. Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.

16. Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game... in the kitchen.

17. Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

18. Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."

19. If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the prince/princess of Ugranialo!"

20. Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"

21. Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, "Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!"

22. If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: "Summer nights". Persuade the host to sing "You're the one that I want," with you.

23. Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).

-- Joke submitted by Jasmine Voss   [Jokes]



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