Jokes

Posted on 11 July 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper.

It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed, "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

-- Joke submitted by Bridget Cole   [Jokes]



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The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance. "No, I ain't going," was the reply.

The teacher corrected the child:

"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'" And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you say all that?"

The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.

"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."

-- Joke submitted by Susan Casey   [Jokes]



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"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "The first three times my wife didn't like the color."

-- Joke submitted by FanTastic   [Jokes]



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One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

-- Joke submitted by Heather Bloom   [Jokes]



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The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."

-- Joke submitted by Lucy Povey   [Jokes]



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Real Estate Agent: "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"

Prospective but Inexperienced Purchaser: "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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WIFE: Doctor, doctor, my husband thinks he's an elevator!

DOCTOR: I'll see him. Send him up.

WIFE: I can't. He doesn't stop at your floor.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Golf Meditations

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

-- Joke submitted by Jila Bankol   [Jokes]



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