Jokes

Posted on 10 July 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two women friends talking:

- You know, I sent my husband to our local market place to buy potatoes today. But on his way there he was run over by a car.

- Oh, that's awful. What will you do now?

- I don't know. I will probably cook rice pudding...

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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"Do you know the difference between roast chicken and a long, lingering kiss?" a boss asked his secretary one day.

"No. I don't," she said.

"Great!" said the boss. "Let's have chicken for lunch."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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During a training session at an artillery unit the sergeant-major was busy describing how the sophisticated aiming device of the artillery weapon system is used:

"As you all know, there are 180 degrees in a circle."

One of the soldiers put up his hand and said: "But there are 360 degrees in a circle, sergeant-major."

"You idiot," replied the sergeant-major, "I am obviously speaking about a small circle!"

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.

The first cowboy said, "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."

The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.

"Well," he said, "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lie around, eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."

His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."

"A range bull, why a range bull?"

"Well," he said, "If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lie around, eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."

Leroy nodded in agreement.

Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw," he said as he shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come back as a whale."

"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement.

Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Wisdom from Grandpa

- Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past but never the present.

- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

- Many girls like to marry a military man he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

-- Joke submitted by Dan Grem   [Jokes]



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One-liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

9. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

10. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

11. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

14. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

15. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

16. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

17. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

18. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

19. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

20. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

21. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

22.Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

23.Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

24.It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

25.There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

27.There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:

1. Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.

2. Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.

3. Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.

4. Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.

5. Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering.

6. Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.

7. Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

8. For a fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place a kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't get any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.

9. Before letting your children play with their brand-new pet, remove potentially dangerous teeth and claws with a handheld rotating saw.

10. For those parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings, remember: many pets and children may be fed to one another.

11. Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.

12. Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behavior. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.

13. Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.

-- Joke submitted by Olenka Krol   [Jokes]



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Seasoned Greetings


saltpepper marjoram cilantro
sarsaparilla bay leaves coriander!
garlicsalt allspice curry cinnamon
rosemary fennel parsley turmeric
dillweed ginger anise pepper
tarragon chives nutmeg
angelica garlic cloves
parsleysagerosemarythyme mustard zest
basiloreganocuminpaprika capers dill
marjoram hoisin relish Na
shallots pickle garlic Cl
woodruff cloves sesame
mushroom onions morels
peppermint jalapeno tarragon mace
butterscotch lime juice red pepper garlic
celeryseed cinnamon allspice sage


-- Joke submitted by Lamparnass   [Jokes]



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