Jokes

Posted on 10 July 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"

-- Joke submitted by Nancy Husk   [Jokes]



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One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

-- Joke submitted by Alyssa Wilson   [Jokes]



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Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay.

And the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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"Did you see how pleased Mrs. Smith looked when I told her she didn't look a day older than her daughter?"

"I didn't notice Mrs. Smith....I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter's face!"

-- Joke submitted by Elaine   [Jokes]



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Man 1: I can either marry a filthy rich, old, ugly looking widow who will leave me a fortune or a beautiful, pretty but penniless girl whom I have to support for life. What do you suggest will be the best option for me?

Man 2: Follow your heart and you will live happily ever after.

Man 1: Hmm, okay, I will do that. Now where did I keep the widow's address?

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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One-liners

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.

A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.

When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.

I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Commercial truck owners should be required to pay into a state windshield repair fund.

I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.

I work for a living, I don't live for working.

With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!

Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."

Without geometry, life is pointless.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans?

Yes, I'm lost... but I'm making GREAT time!

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.

-- Joke submitted by Malcolm   [Jokes]



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25 thoughts to get you through almost any crisis

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a "do-it-yourself" thing.

-- Joke submitted by Tom-tom   [Jokes]



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