Jokes

Posted on 15 September 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!"

-- Joke submitted by Xter   [Jokes]



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A Woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

-- Joke submitted by Bob Meyers   [Jokes]



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A Zebra arrives on a farm. The first animal she meets is a cow. "Whats your job?" she asks.

"My job is to give milk," the cow replies.

The next animal she meets is a chicken. "Whats your job," she asks.

"My job is to lay eggs," the chicken answers.

The third animal she meets is a stallion. "Whats your job?" she asks.

The stallion replies, "Just take off those stripy pyjamas and I'll show you."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Big busted vs small busted women

Big Busted Women:
1. Can get a taxi on the worst days
2. Have a neat place to carry spare change
3. Have always been the center of the arts
4. Make jogging a spectator sport
5. Can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
6. Have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
7. Usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
8. Can always carry a little extra
9. Always float better
10. Know where to look first for lost earrings
11. Rarely lack for a slow dance partner
12. Have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Small Busted Women:
1. Don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
2. Always look younger
3. Find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
4. Can always see their toes and shoes
5. Can sleep on their stomachs
6. Have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
7. Know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
8. Know that everything more than a handful is wasted
9. Can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
10. Can take an aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A hunter saves an Indian chief being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods. The chief invites the hunter back to his camp to celebrate and reward the hunter for saving his life.

At the celebration, the Indian chief says to the hunter, "I have a special surprise for you: 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and choose one. She will be your wife."

The chief clapped his hands and 500 young, beautiful Indian maidens appeared, topless, before them. With closer inspection, the hunter notices that none of them have nipples on their breasts.

"Why don't these maidens have nipples on their breasts?" he asks the chief.

The chief turns to the hunter with surprise, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"

-- Joke submitted by zuzu   [Jokes]



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Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

1. Let's watch Lifetime.

2. Sex is overrated.

3. I don't want to go too far on the first date.

4. Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.

5. Don't we owe your mother a visit?

6. I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.

7. Dessert goes right to my hips.

8. I hate when I miss Oprah.

9. Does this suit make me look fat?

10. I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.

-- Joke submitted by Brian Westbrook   [Jokes]



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Sexual Excuses

I'm too low on octane and too full of gas.

I'd rather be nappping.

I don't remember how to do it.

My head makes promises my body can't keep.

I'm too busy channel surfing.

The parts that aren't hurting aren't working.

I'm all out of stiffy pills.

I might hurt myself.

The only thing that'll be stiff tonight is my back.

Oh, I already did that last year.

I'm afraid I might break it.

It's too much work and I'm retired.

Not tonight, it's past my bedtime.

Sorry, I have a headache.

-- Joke submitted by quietsleeper   [Jokes]



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Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

-- Joke submitted by Brian Kerr   [Jokes]



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