Jokes

Posted on 9 July 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

-- Joke submitted by Julia Miller   [Jokes]



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A woman was driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over. "License and registration, please."

"It's OK, officer", she replied. "I have a special license that allows me to do this."

"That's impossible! There is no such license," said the cop.

The woman reached into her purse and handed him her license.

"This is an ordinary license, Miss. There's nothing here that would allow you special consideration," he told her.

She replied, "It says so right here at the bottom: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line.'"

-- Joke submitted by Matt Blay   [Jokes]



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A little boy came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"

When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."

"Five?" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."

"I won because my guess was the closest."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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"Can people predict the future with cards?" Suzie asked Little Johnny.

"My mother can," said Johnny.

"Really?"

"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."

-- Joke submitted by Irma Mendez   [Jokes]



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Student 1: No one can win an argument with that professor... he is so unmoving just like the rock of Gibraltar.

Student 2: Blocks the view, doesn't he?

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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Child: Mom, today my teacher caned me for telling the correct answer.

Mom: What was the question and what did you answer?

Child: He asked me who threw a paper-rocket at him and I gave him the correct answer that it was me.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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John: I just had my appendix removed.

Bud: Have a scar?

John: No, thanks, I don't smoke.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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One liners

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I

I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."

Evolution: True science fiction.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A torch is a case for holding dead batteries.

-- Joke submitted by Ed Simonovich   [Jokes]



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