Jokes

Posted on 21 September 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

-- Joke submitted by aruder   [Jokes]



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A young woman went to see a fortune teller who told her: "You will be broke and unhappy till you are fifty."

"What happens when I'm fifty?" asked the young woman.

"Nothing," said the fortune teller. "But you'll be used to it by then."

-- Joke submitted by Ted Milton   [Jokes]



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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the attorney's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

-- Joke submitted by Harry Berryman   [Jokes]



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Customer: "So what is it you're doing?"

Tech Support: "Upgrading your 15 inch to a 17 inch monitor."

Customer: "Great. Will this make my PC go faster?"

-- Joke submitted by Jady   [Jokes]



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How to Confuse Your Roommate

1. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.

2. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."

3. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

4. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

5. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

6. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

7. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."

8. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who do you think you are? A king?"

9. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."

10. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

11. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can 't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

12. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

13. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

14. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

15. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.

16. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).

17. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

18. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

19. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.

20. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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You Know You're Too Stressed If...

1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

2. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

3. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

4. The Sun is too loud.

5. Trees begin chasing you.

6. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

7. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

8. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

9. You can hear mimes.

10, You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

11. Things becomes "Very Clear".

12. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

13. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

14. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

15. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

16. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

17. Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

18. David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"

19. You and Reality file for divorce.

20. You can skip without a rope.

21. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

22. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before..

23. You can travel without moving.

24. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

25. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

26. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

27. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

28. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

29. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...

-- Joke submitted by Greg Pyatt   [Jokes]



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The cannibal was questioning his newest captive. "Tell me, what was your business before we found you?"

"I was in the newspaper business."

"What did you do?"

"Assistant Editor."

"Ah, good news. Promotion awaits you. After tonight, you will be editor-in-chief."

-- Joke submitted by Wildy   [Jokes]



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Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, with absolutely no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master had downed.

"What's wrong with your dog?" the first hunter asked. "The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I had ever seen!"

"Well," the other hunter replied, "His name is Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard to get the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."

-- Joke submitted by xtofer   [Jokes]



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