Jokes

Posted on 12 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.

Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Teacher, Sister Rosalee: Johnny, can you tell me what they did at the Boston Tea Party?

Johnny: I don't know, Sister Rosalee. I wasn't invited.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

-- Joke submitted by cadet burger   [Jokes]



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Bill and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.

"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"

"Naturally, a hobby I got, I'm a bee keeper."

"Well, you must live in the country then."

"Nope, right here in the city... in Philadelphia."

"Really? You must have a large house then."

"Nope, apartment."

"Geez, where do you keep'm?"

"A shoe box in my closet."

"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"

"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"

"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"

"So what? I hate bees."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Ways to get rid of telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh", "Really", or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers)

-- Joke submitted by Peter Rossi   [Jokes]



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Ponderables

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

3. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

4. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

5. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window.

6. Haver you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

7. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

8. The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

9. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

10. I'm pretty sure that 'bingo' is better than logic but I can't prove it.

-- Joke submitted by BadStudent   [Jokes]



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A group of prosperous businessmen were dining at the Sam's Hotel in Las Vegas.

"Seems to me you are getting a little slimmer," remarked one.

"I should be!" replied the other, "I went on one of those high protein diets. Nothing but expensive steaks and chops. And would you believe it - in just two weeks I lost three hundred dollars!"

-- Joke submitted by mongoman   [Jokes]



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Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, "I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends."

"Then do what I do," said Fred, "Close your eyes."

-- Joke submitted by ppl   [Jokes]



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