Jokes

Posted on 29 June 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A soldier was stationed abroad and received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read: "Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim."

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read: "Dear Kim, I'm so sorry but I can't remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave."

-- Joke submitted by lamber   [Jokes]



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Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.

The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute."

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."

He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

-- Joke submitted by law-n-don   [Jokes]



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A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having an affair with my best friend and my daughter is pregnant. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A man walked into a computer info sending and receiving center and said, “I want to send my mom the perfect Mother’s Day gift message. I want to send a message that will let her know just what kind of love and appreciation I have for her.”

The clerk said, “Nice idea; do you have something specific in mind or would you like one of the associates to help you write a special message?”

“Oh no, after all those years of taking care of me, all the advice and help she’s given me since I’ve been out on my own, never a week going by without her telling me just how to deal with every situation I’ve ever had to face, I know the perfect gift to tell her just how I feel about her, and I’d like to make sure it is sent to all five of her business computers, as well as her personal home computer and her laptop.”

“We can surely help you with that,” the clerk replied. “What is the message you’d like to send?”

“The I Love You Virus!”

-- Joke submitted by Funnylady   [Jokes]



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Patient: "Doctor, Doctor... I can't stop stealing things".

Doctor: "Take these pills for a week. If that doesn't work, I'll have a color TV".

-- Joke submitted by Raina Kropp   [Jokes]



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Paraprosdokians

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'Doctor'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure...

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

-- Joke submitted by h33   [Jokes]



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Things to Do On Your Next Flight

1. Ride on the baggage claim machine and go around in circles, don't leave until security comes.

2. Ride on those carts and pretend you're in the Batmobile.

3. When checking in, and the attendant takes your baggage and puts it into the machine say you left your passport, bag, purse, flight ticket etc. in there, when they take back the luggage, say you found it in your wallet.

4. Ask for Snerples while on the plane and insist you must have one.

5. Ask where the airport is in the information stand.

6. If you are sitting next to a kid on a plane, point out that you just saw a UFO come by.

7. When the plane is airborne, tell the flight attendant you got on the wrong flight.

8. Pretend to snore REALLY loudly and insist that you sleep this way.

9. Continuously ask the flight attendant, "Are we there yet?"

10. Ask the flight attendant if you can speak to the pilot, if they say no, start crying really loudly.

11. If the flight attendant lets you see the pilot, ask the pilot if you can press every button on the controls.

12. Act constipated in the bathroom for as long as you can, when you come out say you had too much breakfast.

13. Stay in the bathroom for a REALLY long time, say you "fell in" if anyone asks you what you were doing in there.

14. Cry really loudly and say you miss your family.

15. When done crying, cry louder, and say you miss your dog.

16. If walking in a narrow aisle and people are behind you, walk really slowly.

17. When asked to do take out your passport, dig through your pockets, purse, bag, etc. for a REALLY LONG TIME.

18. When coming out of the gate, go out to random people and start hugging them and say things like, "I've haven't seen you in a long time."

19. Completely ignore the people that are supposed to pick you up.

20. Attempt to do this all in one flight.

-- Joke submitted by John Harris   [Jokes]



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Taxes One-Liners

Ambition in America is still rewarded... with high taxes.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

There was a time when $1000.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

Congress does some strange things - it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

The rich and the poor are alike - they both complain about taxes.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

I hate junk mail... and that includes the tax forms they send me.

Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

-- Joke submitted by Danny Doplin   [Jokes]



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