Jokes

Posted on 28 June 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend, "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change."

-- Joke submitted by colombo   [Jokes]



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Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say "It could have been worse." His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, "Where's Gary?"

And one of his friends said, "Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself."

Joe says, "Well it could have been worse."

Both his friends said, "How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!"

Joe says, "If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.

The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

-- Joke submitted by Eva Gess   [Jokes]



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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh... Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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Men's Personal Ads ...and what they really mean:

40-ish. Really means: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old.

Athletic. Really means: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN.

Average looking. Really means: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back.

Educated. Really means: Will always treat you like an idiot.

Free spirit. Really means: Sleeps with your sister.

Friendship first. Really means: As long as friendship involves nudity.

Fun. Really means: Good with a remote and a six pack.

Good Looking. Really means: Arrogant.

Honest. Really means: Pathological Liar.

Huggable. Really means: Overweight, more body hair than a bear.

Like to cuddle. Really means: Insecure, overly dependent.

Mature. Really means: Until you get to know him.

Open-minded. Really means: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested.

Physically fit. Really means: I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself.

Poet. Really means: Has written on a bathroom stall.

Spiritual. Really means: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday.

Stable. Really means: Occasional stalker, but never arrested.

Thoughtful. Really means: Says "Please" when demanding a beer.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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