Jokes

Posted on 17 June 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman complains to her friend that her hubbie is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation.

Her friend tells her that to win his love, she must make more effort. She advises her to cook her man a slap up meal and then send him drinking down the pub with his pals. When he returns, she must be dressed in her naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful.

The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is dressed to kill by the time her man returns. When he sees her lying on the bed in all her gear, he tells her to stand up and take it all off. He then tells her to do a hand stand against the bedroom mirror and open her legs.

This excites the woman immensely as her hubbie has never been this erotic before.

She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her legs, faces the mirror and says, "No, no... maybe the lads are right -- a beard wouldn't suit me."

-- Joke submitted by likelypro   [Jokes]



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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



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There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.

Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on... just a pair of pants.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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An Australian is traveling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night he turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night he comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia.

"Melbourne," he tells her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris," he replies.

"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street," he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says, her voice quavering, "What number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you."

-- Joke submitted by JJP   [Jokes]



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Good girls vs. Bad girls

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Mary: You look mad, Jill. Why are you so upset?

Jill: It's work! My boss gave the job I deserved to another woman! I'm better qualified and have been at the company longer!

Mary: Oh, that's a shame! What's the position?

Jill: Well, from what I understand, it was on her knees under his desk!

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up, grabbed his crotch and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

-- Joke submitted by niney-hiney   [Jokes]



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