Jokes

Posted on 16 June 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

-- Joke submitted by gideon   [Jokes]



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Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."

"But I could be dead by then!"

"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

-- Joke submitted by Tom Aubrey   [Jokes]



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Robert: I'm nervous, Doctor. This is my first operation.

Doctor: I know how you feel. This is my first one, too.

-- Joke submitted by elanga   [Jokes]



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Alcohol Warnings

New warning labels for liquor, wine and beer containers:

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what in the world happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

The American said, "I can't stand it sometimes - we treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS."

"I know what you mean," said the German, "We treat them for yellow fever, and it turns out they had malaria."

"We don't have that problem in our country," said the Russian doctor. "When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease."

-- Joke submitted by razer22   [Jokes]



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It was a pretty serious auto accident. Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt, his face smashed into the windshield.

In a strange twist of fate, he wasn't seriously injured, but something rather bizarre happened:

The cracked glass pinched his right eyelid and, when he bounced back, ripped the eyelid off. Unfortunately, the tissue wasn't saved for reattachment.

At the hospital, plastic surgeons weren't sure how to repair it. Skin grafts wouldn't do the trick, since plain skin isn't thick enough for the job. Then one of the surgeons noticed he wasn't circumcised. The thick, elastic skin there would be just the ticket!

Sure enough, the operation was a success and the new eyelid works just as intended. But the true measure of success in any plastic surgery is: how does it look?

"It's not quite perfect," doctors say, "While it works perfectly, he will forever be a little cockeyed."

-- Joke submitted by Lamber   [Jokes]



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A man and his wife, moved back home to Texas from Missouri. The husband had a wooden leg and to insure it back in Missouri it cost them $2000 per year! When they arrived in Texas, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: "$39."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Texas to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Missouri!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39. You just have to know how to describe it!"

-- Joke submitted by Liam Gibson   [Jokes]



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Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

-- Joke submitted by Irene Sabol   [Jokes]



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