Jokes

Posted on 19 August 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to be having an appendicitis attack.

"That's impossible," the physician replied. "She had an appendectomy last year. Why are you bothering me for something as stupid as that? Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"

"No, you fool!" the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A Chinese student was learning English from a 30 day rapid learner book. He decided to try it out in the college canteen.

When served coffee he replied: "Thank you sir or madam, as the case may be."

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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A father took his young son to the opera for the first time. The conductor started waving the baton, and the soprano began her aria.

The boy watched everything intently and finally asked: "Why is he hitting her with his stick?"

"He's not hitting her," answered the father with a chuckle.

"Well, then," asked the boy, "why is she screaming?"

-- Joke submitted by hitcher   [Jokes]



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A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

-- Joke submitted by Kevin Gasper   [Jokes]



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A racehorse owner asked his jockey why he didn't ride his mount through a hole when it opened up just before the final turn.

"I tried," replied the jockey. "But it is impossible to go through a hole that is going faster than your horse."

-- Joke submitted by Gerry   [Jokes]



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Laws

The Law of Common Sense:
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice:
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Volunteering:
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell:
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Motivation:
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.

Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway's Law:
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkenness:
You can't fall off the floor.

Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

-- Joke submitted by teddybear   [Jokes]



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Ways to get rid of telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh", "Really", or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers)

-- Joke submitted by Peter Rossi   [Jokes]



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They met on the Internet -- it was love at first site.

-- Joke submitted by tar-tar   [Jokes]



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