Jokes

Posted on 11 June 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

After years of working for others and being passed over for promotions, John and his wife, Mary, decided to go into business together. After examining the classifieds, they bought a small candy stand, paying thirty cents for each box of candy and then selling it for thirty cents.

At the end of the day they were astonished to find that they had sold every box of candy, yet had exactly as much money as when they started.

"You see?" John snarled at his wife. "I told you we should have bought a larger stand!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

-- Joke submitted by Marina Duda   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

-- Joke submitted by Kate Nash   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Kenny: How did you find the weather when you were on your trip?

Patti: I just went outside -- and there it was!

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Parental Observations

1. A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

2. A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

3. A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

4. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

5. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

6. Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

7. Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

8. Celibacy is not hereditary.

9. Familiarity breeds children.

10. For adult education, nothing beats children.

11. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

12. Having children will turn you into your parents.

13. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

14. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

15. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

16. Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

17. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

18. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

19. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

20. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

21. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

22. You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

23. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

24. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

25. There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

26. Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

27. The best thing to spend on your children is time.

-- Joke submitted by Monica Napier   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Words are tools of communication. Unfortunately, words often have different meanings for different people. Here are some examples:

It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn we assume you will have forgotten it, too.

A program - Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call.

Expedite - To confound confusion with commotion.

Channels - The trail left by interoffice memos.

Coordinator - The guy who has a desk between two expediters.

Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.

To activate - To make copies and add more names to the memo.

To implement a program - Hire more people and expand the office.

Under consideration - Never heard of it.

Under active consideration - We're looking in the files for it.

In the earliest stage of finalization - Haven't started it yet.

A meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.

A conference - A place where conversation is substituted by the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.

To negotiate - To seek a meeting of the minds without knocking together of heads.

Re-orientation - Getting used to work again.

Reliable source - The guy you just met.

Informed source - The guy who told the guy you just met.

Unimpeachable source - The guy who started the rumor originally.

A clarification - To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

We are making a survey - We need more time to think of an answer.

Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Let's get together on this - I'm assuming you are as confused as I am.

See me, or Let's discuss - Come down to my office. I'm lonesome.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do.

We will advise you in due course - If we figure it out, we'll let you know.

To give someone the picture - A long confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.

-- Joke submitted by BigFist   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


I'd like a phonecard, please http://9taxi.in.net/ 9 taxi "There's a huge degree of effort and support going into immigration reform and if it fails (in Congress), all of that effort and support will turn right back on the administration to do something for constituents that have been hurting and are important to the president," Meissner said.

-- Joke submitted by Dro4er   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


What's the last date I can post this to to arrive in time for Christmas? http://9taxi.in.net/ 9taxi Hasan, dressed in combat fatigues and seated in a wheelchair after being paralyzed from the waist down when shot by police to end the rampage, stared directly at the jury while the panel's president read the verdict. Afterward he looked down, stroking his beard.

-- Joke submitted by Harvey   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5