Jokes

Posted on 10 June 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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Rules

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

-- Joke submitted by Victoria Bartlett   [Jokes]



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Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

-- Joke submitted by Steve Lieber   [Jokes]



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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

-- Joke submitted by Joseph Bilta   [Jokes]



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On her way to take a coffee break, a woman employed by a computer company saw a colleague sitting at his desk with his feet propped up, staring straight ahead and blinking. Concerned, she asked, "Are you all right?"

He answered, "I'm fine! I'm just in screen saver mode."

-- Joke submitted by Betsy   [Jokes]



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The cannibal was questioning his newest captive. "Tell me, what was your business before we found you?"

"I was in the newspaper business."

"What did you do?"

"Assistant Editor."

"Ah, good news. Promotion awaits you. After tonight, you will be editor-in-chief."

-- Joke submitted by Wildy   [Jokes]



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Terrible Truths

Rudy's First Rule on Holes: When you find yourself in a hole stop digging.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.

Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.

Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.

Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Johnny Carson's Observation: The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

Golub's Laws of Project Execution:
a) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
b) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
c) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
d) Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

The Phone Booth Rule: A lone quarter always gets the number nearly right.

Thornton's N-1 Rule: When attempting to recall a memorized list of N items, you will remember only N-1 items.

Corollary to Thornton's N-1 Rule: If you attempt to recall the same list ten minutes later, the missing item will be different.

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Zall's Laws:
1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.
2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.

McPhearson's Observation: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Pudder's Laws:
a) Anything that begins well ends badly.
b) Anything that begins badly ends worse.

Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

Troutman's Postulate for Computer Programming:
- Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.
- Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
- Job control instructions that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
- Interchangeable routines won't.
- If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
- If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.

Rubitusky's Law: Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner
for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Westheimer's Rule To estimate the time it takes to do a task:
Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.

Brooke's Law: Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.
Also known as the Nine Pregnant Women will not get you a baby in One Month Law.

Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.

Featherkile's Explanation: Whatever you did, that's what you planned.

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?

2. Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?

3. Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?

4. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

5. What are the handles for corn on the cob called?

6. Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

7. Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?

8. Do your eyes change color when you die?

9. Were Mary and Joseph's surname Christ before Jesus was born?

10. If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

11. Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

12. In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

13. How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

14. If K.F.C Stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, Why do they play sweet home Alabama on the comercials?

15. If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?

16. What type of animal is Snuffaluffagus?

17. If you had a three story house and were in the second floor, isn't it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?

18. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

19. If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?

20. Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

21. Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?

22. If you really could dig a hole to China, and you did, and you fell in, would you stop in the middle because of gravity?

23. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

24. What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?

25. On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?

26. If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?

27. If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?

28. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

29. Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?

30. What do you call male ballerinas?

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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