Jokes

Posted on 31 May 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.

"Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!"

"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.

"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

-- Joke submitted by Ted Milton   [Jokes]



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Little Johnny's pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

-- Joke submitted by VeggieQueen   [Jokes]



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There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.

The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby boy."

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution."

"Why?" asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

"George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular! " the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the Queen of England, she loves the music. She says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the darn Clarinet."

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the bloody Clarinet.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their backsides!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the bloody Clarinet!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."

9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."

5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.

4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

-- Joke submitted by Michael Howe   [Jokes]



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New drugs on the market

St. Mom's Wort Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

1. Let's watch Lifetime.

2. Sex is overrated.

3. I don't want to go too far on the first date.

4. Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.

5. Don't we owe your mother a visit?

6. I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.

7. Dessert goes right to my hips.

8. I hate when I miss Oprah.

9. Does this suit make me look fat?

10. I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.

-- Joke submitted by Brian Westbrook   [Jokes]



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